Oh Girls, I love you!

Have you ever loved someone so much that it physically gave you joyful pangs in your heart everytime you thought of them and the relationship you share? Loved someone so much you are willing to do ANYTHING for them...even what may seem impossible to others, you make it happen?
Have you ever been loved like that by someone?
I have been so blessed in my lifetime to love people in this way, and be loved like this as well.
And as I was organizing my kitchen today I came across something I have kept for 8 years from three of my former Young Life girls. They, in their thoughtfulness, selflessness, bravery, (and I say with a humble heart)their love for me, did the impossible.
Here is one of the letters I received from them on my 23rd birthday when I came home from a date with Mark.

"Dearest Lindsey,
For your birthday we wanted to do something special for you. When we were thinking of ideas we decided to tackle the impossible. To do what no other man has done before. Clean your car. This was quite an adventure. We encountered many unidentifiable objects and learned a lot about you we didn't know! We decided to put together a list of things that we discovered while fishing through the piles of stuff in your car.

19 water bottles
11 coat hangers
10 school books
18 cd's
2 bags of beef jerky
2 sets of headphones
1 parking pass that you "never got"
1 toothbrush and toothpaste tube
1 razor
21 articles of clothing
2 very used brushes
16 LAX balls
8 pairs of shoes
1 blovkbuster movie-a month over-due
Plenty of spare change to pay for the blockbuster movie
1 banana peel that we guess to be around 2 years old
4 pairs of sunglasses
10 lollipop sticks

As you can see this was an interesting experience. However, for you we would gladly do anything! Happy Birthday!!!!

Love, Claire, Jackie, and Chelsea"


Thankfully, I am not this messy anymore. SERIOUSLY!!!!! But more than that I am so thankful that each of these amazing friends are still in my life. I can't believe after you cleaned my car you still loved me, and you continue to love me still. And I love each of you as well with a heart that explodes with joy and gratitude when I think of you.
To all my Thomas girls, I love you!

Still Semi-messy,
The Joyfulful and Tired Mom

Vomitous!

So I am not even going to pretend that this isn't the grossest story-EVER! I mean, when Zachary was a baby he took his diaper off and smeared his poop all over his crib. A few weeks ago Drew tried changing his own dirty pull-up and inadvertently wiped poop all over his face. I mean...so nasty. But this story, to me, is MUCH MUCH MUCH NASTIER. So here it goes...those with a weak stomach beware.

This morning I woke up extra early to jump on the treadmill before anyone woke up. I came downstairs, went to the bathroom, and then rushed downstairs to maximize my time. 2 hours later everyone is, ofcourse, awake (everyone, but the sun). As I was finishing writing out our Christmas lists for Mark's mom I thought in my head, "Hmmm...where is Nate?" I had a rush of panic go through me and I quickly went and peeked into the laundry room-no Nate. I then turned and saw Nate standing at the open toilet, with my used toilet paper in his mouth, from my unflushed toilet, sucking on the toilet paper. SUCKING ON THE TOILET PAPER!!!!!!! I mean, oh my gosh! I am totally appauled! At myself. At my sweet child. At the entire situation. I'm kindof even appauled that I shared this in a blog, but you know what, as parents...we are all in this imperfect world of parenting together. And we can either laugh about this stuff or cry. And I have to laugh about this or I would certainly by spending the better part of my morning sobbing into my pillow.

The Newly Reformed Diligent Flusher,
The Joyful and Tired Mom

Wrestling

I don’t think I have ever really wrestled with God when it comes to suffering. I trust Him. One of the first verses I memorized when I was in high school was,

“In this world you will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world.” –John 16:30

I guess I just always had an understanding that life was not always going to be perfect. There was going to be suffering in the world. I was going to suffer pain in this lifetime. I was terrified of suffering and pain in my own life, but I knew that suffering was inevitable; and once I experienced immense suffering I realized that God never left me. In fact, He revealed himself to me in ways I never imagined that He would or could. I never questioned God’s goodness even in difficult times.

However, there is an area where I truly wrestle with God…and I have since I had Zachary.

I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY HE WON’T BLESS ME WITH A SLEEPING BABY WHEN IT IS CLEAR THAT I NEED MY CHILD TO SLEEP!!!!!!!!!!

I know God uses circumstances to teach us more about Him and draw us closer to him. The scripture verse that keeps popping into my mind is “be still and know that I Am God.” Megan Stephens shared this verse with me in high school-clearly it has been something God has been trying to teach me for some time now.

Thing is, I don’t understand how He could expect me to be still right now when he knows there isn’t time to be still. I mean, right now I am just blaring MTV Cribs in the background to drown out the sound of Nate’s sleepless cries, and blogging to vent some frustration until he falls asleep.. Otherwise I would be disinfecting the floors in my house and doing more laundry (which for the record, laundry is a battle I will never win).

“Disinfecting? Why does that need to be a priority?” Well, it needs to be a priority because Drew has pooped in his pull-ups or underwear several times today, ripped off his pants, smeared poop on our floors-yes, floors (plural)-and tossed a used, poopy pull-up into a basket of clean laundry. I have to disinfect the floors so Nate doesn’t crawl through the crap, literally, on our floor. I also have to bleach the bathtub since I had to give Drew a bath after he took a handful of his own poo and wiped his face. Yes he did. Yes he did.

I am exhausted. Today I feel like I am becoming the mom I never wanted to be-the kind of mom that has stress and weariness written all over her face instead of joy and delight. Parenting is just hard. There is so much that is good and wonderful and fantastic about parenthood…but parenthood is also really messy at times. And today is a messy day, both figuratively and literally, and I am just tired. Tired of the mess, tired of the poop, tired of the laundry, just tired.

Replacing my nightly apple with a glass of wine tonight, because wine is made of grapes-it totally counts as a fruit,
The Joyful and oh-so-unbelievably Tired Mom

"Chutes and Ladders" from bowensheart.com

This is a blog written by Matt Hammitt from Sanctus Real. His 3rd child, a son, was born with HLHS. He has been extremely candid about all he and his wife are experiencing during this difficult time of uncertainty. I read this blog post today and just needed to share it.
Be blessed and know that you are loved by the King of Kings.

Chutes and Ladders
Posted by Matt Hammitt on Oct 3, 2010

Chutes and Ladders


I walked into Bowen’s room this morning and immediately noticed that something about him looked different. At first I couldn’t put my finger on it, but whatever it was made me smile. It didn’t take me long to realize that the reason I had a smile on my face was because I could see more of Bowen’s face. The nurses had removed his nasal cannula (the tube under his nose) and now he’s breathing completely on his own. They’re waiting for a lung x-ray to show whether he’ll be able to keep his cannula off, so we’re hoping for a good report. They’re also still keeping a close eye on his infection, and discovered that the wound where his drainage tube had been removed is not healing properly. It’s possible that it’s the source of his infection. The doctors are meeting tomorrow to decide whether he’ll have to undergo surgery to take care of the infected area. That would result in reintubation (ventilator) and other things that would feel like major steps backwards. It could also keep us in the hospital for another month.


Sarah said that our time in the hospital feels like the children’s board game Chutes and Ladders. We keep praying that God will give us a ladder, and that He won’t let us land on another slide. Even though our emotions can cause us to feel this way, we know that our life is no game, and that nothing is left to chance or coincidence. What we perceive to be a slide, might really be a ladder; and what we perceive to be a ladder, could really be a slide. The only way to “win”, is the way of trust. The Bible verse that comes to mind is Romans 8:28, a very familiar verse amongst Christians. Paul says, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” This verse is a great source of comfort, but when is the last time you read the rest of this passage? As you read, it just keeps getting better and better. All throughout Romans chapter 8, Paul makes it clear that if we are Christians, we are actually chosen to share in the sufferings of Christ. The great news is that we not only chosen to share in His sufferings, but are also chosen to share in His glory. I pasted Romans 8 at the bottom of this post. I encourage you to read it and think about exactly what Paul is saying in it’s full context and how it applies to your life.

Romans 8
Life in the Spirit
8:1 There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. [1] 2 For the law of the Spirit of life has set you [2]free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. 3 For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, [3] he condemned sin in the flesh, 4 in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. 5 For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. 6 For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. 7 For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God’s law; indeed, it cannot. 8 Those who are in the flesh cannot please God.

9 You, however, are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if in fact the Spirit of God dwells in you. Anyone who does not have the Spirit of Christ does not belong to him. 10 But if Christ is in you, although the body is dead because of sin, the Spirit is life because of righteousness. 11 If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you.

Heirs with Christ
12 So then, brothers, [4] we are debtors, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh. 13 For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. 14 For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons [5]of God. 15 For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” 16 The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, 17 and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.

Future Glory
18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. 19 For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. 20 For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope 21 that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. 22 For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. 23 And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. 24 For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? 25 But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.

26 Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. 27 And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because [6] the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. 28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, [7]for those who are called according to his purpose. 29 For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. 30 And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified.

God’s Everlasting Love
31 What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be [8] against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? 33 Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. 34 Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. [9] 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? 36 As it is written,

“For your sake we are being killed all the day long;
we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.”

37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Sitting in Time Out

Gosh, my title sounds like it would be a great song-"Sitting in Time Out." If I were a song writer I would totally use it and take over Nick Jr. from Laurie Berkner with my creativity, fun, music, and adorably colorful outfits (or in my case, sweatpants).
What would inspire me to want to write a song about time-out? It isn't because Zachary and Drew deserved about 10 before 7:15 this morning. Nope. It is because I was put in time-out today by my 2 year old. And it was so ridiculously cute that I actually went along with it. (Cue the gasps from childhood discipline specialists.)

I just want to share with you the last 5 minutes I shared with Drew before he went down for his nap.

Standing up from lunch Drew looks at me, "I pooping."
Me: "You're pooping?"
Drew: "Yeah."
"Do you want to go on the potty?"
"Nope."
"Why not?"
"Cuz, I pooping now."
"I see that, but why don't you want to go on the potty."
"Um, cuz, cuz, cuz, I love pooping."
"Okay, well Dweez, lay down so I can change you."

He proceeds to lay down and while laying down I accidentally spilled milk from Nate's bottle on his leg.

Drew: "Mommy! You in time-out."
Me: "What? You want to put me in time-out?"
"You in time-out for doing dat. You 'pilled milk on me!"
"Oh I'm sorry. I didn't realize that you are ok with walking around in your own poop, but milk is where you draw the line."
"You in time-out. Did you hear my words? Did you hear my words? You in time-out. Come on, let's go."

He then grabbed my hand and walked me to his time-out mat. Then he sat down next to me and started singing me "Jesus Loves Me."

I mean, honestly, how cute is that?!!!!!! I'm reprimanded by my 2 year old, only to be reminded of God's great love for me. :-)

Loving my boys-even in time-out,
The Joyful and Tired Mom

Love the Lens

I love the lens through which my children see life. And I love when they try to understand things you tell them or teach them, and their brilliant little minds interpret things in the greatest most wonderful ways.
My stories today are about Zachary. He has been at the peak of his cuteness game lately.

Almost every night before bed we say his memory verses from Sunday school.

One of the verses is, "Even chidren show what they are like by how they act. You can tell they are good if what they do is right." -Psalm 20:11

He has been saying this verse for a few months and we just discovered that when it says, "you can tell they are good if what they do is right." He has thought they meant "write."
So each day as he terrorizes his brothers (well, Drew terrorizes him and he screams a lot) he thought he was still being good because he could write. Bless his little heart.

And then last night, my favorite...

I should preface this story by telling you Zachary is obsessed with Mario Brothers right now. He loves the cartoon from the early 80's. He loves playing Mario Kart. But mostly, he loves watching Mark play when Mark gets home from work because that is Zachary's reward for doing so well at school.

So last night I said to Zachary, "Buddy, one day when you get married I want you to be as nice to your wife as daddy is to me."

You could tell he was trying to understand and said, "Oh, so you mean one day I would let you play Mario and let you have the 1UP's."

All I could say was, "Yes buddy, that is exactly what I mean."

Then I glared at Mark because he seems to ALWAYS grab the 1UP's (extra lives). Hahahaha.

Just 2 quick little stories about Zachary. Nothing spectacularly funny, just unbelievably sweet.

Thankful for how he sees life,
The Joyful and Tired Mom

What is it with boys?

What is it with boys? Why do they all gravitate toward bathroom humor? And why is it that my 2 year old thinks that making potty jokes is absolutely hysterical!? Are they genetically wired to fake burp, toot, and pretend anything that sprays water is an extra "thing" to use to go to the bathroom?!!!!

This picture doesn't do it justice, but...
Zachary and Drew (and yes, I CONFESS, both parents) spent a good amount of time laughing ridiculously hard this morning while Drew pretended to go to the bathroom while using the hose as a prop.



Why? Why? Why?

Going to dress like a princess and have a tea party with myself,
The Joyful and Tired Mom

"Be Positive, Atleast You Aren't Drinking"

Today was a doozy...and not the good kind of Double Doozy at the cookie shop at our mall. It was a rough one. My friend Stephanie told me today to just have zero expectations except to make it through the day. I did lower my expectations, but seriouly, I would like to have the bar raised high enough that I expect them to act like humans. Seriously, today they were like feral children. At one point I was cleaning the kitchen and they were in the room next to me and I heard something slam to the floor-what was it? Oh, a rock...not a pebble...A ROCK! They were playing catch with a large rock while their baby brother sat on the floor watching them, totally amused. Lots of screaming. Lots of fighting. Lots of telling on each other. Lots of making mommy want to cry, or just eat tons of chocolate and chips.
And that is what I did. We went to a cheap little mexican restaurant by our house. I ate tons of tortilla chips, and then I walked over to the ice cream shop and got 2scoops of ice cream in a waffle cone and devoured it before I made it home. My stomach is so full that I may look pregnant. And if anyone were to ask me if I were I think I may lie and just tell them 'yes.' And then when they ask how far along I am I'll tell them I am due in 2 weeks. That way they will think, 'Wow, that woman looks amazing for being ready to have a baby.' Yep, I have thought a lot about this.
Honestly though, the boys fought the bulk of the morning. But immediately after I dropped Zachary off at school Drew says to me, "I miss my best friend Zach-y." Melt my heart.
As much as they fight, they still love each other more than I can even comprehend. And as grouchy as I was with them today Zachary still looked at me on the way into school and said, "I wanted to give you lots of hugs and kisses to make you feel better." I am melting again. My heart, and myself because apparently I am like the wicked witch of the west. "I'm Melting!"
Oh well, "His mercies are new every morning." So I look forward to a new day.
I just wish this day would end now though. Nate and Drew are still awake and covered in snot and dog hair.
This too shall pass,
The Joyful and Tired Mom

So Lucky

I was watching Mark play with our boys today and all I could think was, "Gosh, our kids are so lucky to have a dad like you." He is totally remarkable with them every day. And the way he can jump into their world and their imaginations is nothing short of incredible.
I suppose I notice these things more and more each day because as our boys are getting into 'bad guys' and playing 'mario and luigi' themselves-not through a video game-I am becoming painfully aware that there isn't an ounce of imaginative play in me. I said to Mark last night, "I am just so NOT creative." He was like, "Yes you are." Oh really? Should I scrapbook with our boys? I am sure they would love it.
And to be honest, that truly is the extent of my creativity. Actually, I take that back. One day about 7 months ago I had a great day coming up with fun things for our kids to do. We made homemade placemats and went to get them laminated, and then I built them a fort that they played in for 7 minutes. It was awesome! Still one of my best mom days. Ha.
It is wonderful to watch Mark play with the kids for hours, and become whatever character it is they want him to play. Yesterday Drew asked me if I would fight bad guys with him and he had his "sword blankie" to beat them. My response, "Sure. You lead the way." I mean, where are the bad guys? The one time I tried yesterday I got on the floor and started to growl and Drew told me I was doing it wrong. Why is it that I can't see their imaginative world and Mark can?
Not only does Mark become anything they want, and it is better than they even imagined. But in watching Mark anyone can see that he is totally having fun with them. I mean, legitimately having a blast playing with them! I, on the other hand, look at the clock...feel like an hour has passed...look again, and 5 minutes have gone by. Uh. What is it God wants me to learn as a mom of three amazing and imaginative little boys? And how can I embrace their world more completely?
Help me Jesus,
The Joyful and Tired Mom

Begin Again

Well, Mark and I started our Crisis Marriage Coaches training last night. And let me tell you...we were SO ENCOURAGED, and are so beyond excited to be a part of this incredible ministry that offers hope and encouragement to couples in crisis.
A part of the coaches responisibilities may include leading a class called Begin Again. The best analogy to describe Begin Again is that it is like an emergency room and everyone there needs urgent care.
Begin Again is a group of couples that meet every week for 6 weeks. The couples are required to go to this group, do weekly assignments, etc. The aim is to help the individuals grow in their relationship with Christ, help the couples work toward a healthy relationship again through communication and forgiveness, with the ultimate goal of restoration for the couples. It's an incredible program that Mark and I were a part of 2 years ago. Amazinigly, all the couples that we went through this program with are all still together. And when I say each of us were in crisis...we were in crisis. So to say that each couple is still married is a testament to the power of Christ in each of our lives, and His desire to reconcile, redeem, and restore even the most broken.
One thing Mark and I found so encouraging was that of the couples they could track that had gone through this program from 2004-present: 120 had reconciled, 12 had divorced, and 8 had separated. 120 HAD RECONCILED!!!!!!! I mean, isn't that amazing!? Wow! That statistic is so astounding to me.
But you know, Begin Agaiin is a great program, and God is Sovereign and Mighty and Good, but also...the people who are living a redeemed life in their marriage worked incredibly hard to get to the place of reconciliation and forgiveness. It did not come easily for any of us.
So last night I started thinking more about forgiveness. Forgiveness isn't easy. Gosh, it isn't easy. I have had to work through a lot of forgiveness issues with those who have hurt me. But also, I have been on the side of being unforgiven. And what I have realized is that if you are the one withholding forgiveness you have put yourself in your own prison. Questions that I have begun to ask in regards to withholding forgiveness are:
1) What is your unforgiveness costing you?
2) What is the benefit of unforgiveness?
3) Who does unforgiveness benefit?
4) Has unforgiveness ever reaped a harvest of something good-ever?
5) When does it end?
6) And who am I to withhold forgiveness from anyone?
After surviving what Mark and I survived, and seeing other couples survive and thrive after a tragedy..or many tragedies...I can only say that unforgiveness and forgiveness are extremely powerful in either bringing life or death to a relationship.
What side of the spectrum do you fall?

Grateful to be Involved in God's Work in People's Lives,
The Joyful and Tired Mom

The Sexton 3

I have inicluded 2 posts from a family blog I have been following. These are 2 of the most amazing passages I have ever read and desperately wanted to share them with you.
www.lukesexton.blogspot.com

He is worth it all.
"Lord, take our lives and do whatever you want with them. We are yours. We want to be used by you, so Lord - lead us, guide us, send us. More than anything Lord, we want to bring You glory."

Months before we were even pregnant, Benson and I began praying that God would start to use us in a radical way. Over a period of months, we had grown spiritually stagnant. Our lives and our ministry had become a weekly routine and we grew desperate for a change. So, we began to pray for God to move - to challenge us, to fill us with His presence, to send us to people and places where we could minister, to shake up our world in a way that would glorify Him.

When I found out that I was expecting a baby, I began to fervently pray that God would anoint him even before birth. I prayed prayers that some people would call crazy - that the Lord would fill Him with the Holy Spirit, that He would be an ambassador of the Gospel and that people would come to know Christ because of his life. I gave Luke to the Lord very early on - knowing and trusting that this baby would grow up to bring glory to the kingdom of God.

I look back on those prayers and realize now just how faithful God is when we call on Him. Maybe I should have listened to all those times people told me to "be careful what you pray for."

Last night as I sat in a pew worshipping the Lord as my amazingly talented and passion-filled husband led worship with Steadfast, the Lord began to speak into my heart. I felt the Spirit leading me and convicting me to once again, give my life over to the Lord...to let Him have his way with my family and with my future...to commit myself to His ministry and His call. It is a prayer that I have prayed many times throughout my life - however, last night - the thought of promising my life over to God absolutely terrified me.

You see, it wasn't long ago that Benson and I started talking about having another baby. I know most people would think that we should take months or even years before trying to get pregnant again. However, as Benson and I both prayed, the Lord spoke into our spirits that He would bless us in His time - whether that means a few weeks, a few months or a few years...and whenever He was ready to bless us in that way, we were ready to receive it.

A few days after having this conversation, satan began to speak doubt into my mind..."What if you lose another baby? What if you have a miscarriage? What if your next baby has another heart defect?..." The more people told us about how Luke touched their lives and how God used him in such a mighty way, satan would try to speak thoughts of how "You prayed for this...you asked for God to use your baby...He answered your prayers..." into my mind.

So, last night... when I felt convicted to pray once again for God to use my life, I could hear the devil saying "But Kristin, what if He chooses to use your next baby in the same way as Luke?"

Luke 9:23 says "Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me."

In society during the time of Christ, the cross was a symbol for pain and suffering. It was a well-known figure that represented torture and death. When He call us to "take up our cross" He does so with the understanding that giving your life to Him will most likely involve some kind of pain and sorrow. We must give up everything to serve Him, knowing that it will not always be easy - but in the end, it will be worth it.

So last night, I went to the altar with a heavy heart. The Lord knew my fears and as much as I wanted Him to speak to me and promise me that I would ever have to go through such intense pain again - I knew that He couldn't. The Lord cannot promise me that I will never hurt again or that He will never lead Benson and I down another dark path. What He does promise is that He will never leave me or forsake me...that He loves me and He will always be my strength.

So, last night...on my knees in front of the Lord, I prayed a prayer that I would never have dreamed I would ever have to pray...

"Lord...I love you. I give you my life...I give you my yesterdays and my tomorrows. My heart is broken and I feel so empty Lord. My pain is unbearable at times, but...You Jesus are the lifter of my head. You promise that no matter what, You will never leave me or forsake me.

So, whatever you want me to do Lord - I'll do it...whether that means that I may have to suffer or go through heartache again - as long as it brings you glory Lord, I am willing...send me...

...and if that means losing another baby, I'm okay with that...because Jesus, you are worth it. You are worth it all."


I don't tell you any of this to bring any kind of glory to myself...I tell you this because it's true...He is worth it all.

People have asked how we can go through losing our baby boy and still have a passion to serve God...why after all we have been through, we choose to give our lives to Him - I can tell you very simply why it is so easy for us to do..

It is because we have tried everything else in this world and the ONLY thing that works is Jesus.

Drugs, alcohol, sex, relationships, anger, bitterness, resentment, depression - between both Benson and I we have been there and done that. I am telling you, nothing fills the void in your life like Jesus can. Nothing. So when you are faced with pain or suffering, you have a choice. You can either run away from Jesus or run to Him. I have ran the other way before and learned the hard way - if you want healing, if you want Him to mend your brokenness...you can't do it on your own. You have to choose each day to give it all to Jesus.

We both feel like the Lord has brought us through so much in our lives because He wants to use our lives, both past and present, to glorify Him. I know that there are many of you who read this blog who are going through a lot of hurt and pain right now. Maybe you lost a child or someone your love...or maybe you are in a relationship that is not glorifying the Lord...or perhaps you just aren't where you need to be spiritually and you need to reconnect with Jesus...or maybe you have never really truly accepted Him as your Lord and Savior and want to know more about how to become a follower of Christ...we want to be an outlet of grace for you to share your feelings with or ask questions.

Some of the greatest way to release bondage in your own life is to just get it out in the open and tell others of your hurt. We don't have all the answers, but we know a God who does. We are real people with real pain and we want you to know that if you are hurting, you are not alone.

If you feel led to share what is going on in your life and just want someone to reach out to our email addresses are listed below. Please feel free to send us a message:

Kristin's email: kristin.sexton@yahoo.com
Benson's email: bensonsexton@hotmail.com

Also, if you would like or us to come and speak to your church, youth group, school or anywhere - please contact us. More than anything, we want to keep Luke's story alive and continue the ministry that the Lord has called us to. We would love to share Christ with as many people as we have the opportunity to. You can email us or message us on Facebook to contact us.

So where are you today? Are you too filled with fear to allow the Lord to completely have your life? Are you too scared to take up your cross and follow Him? Do not allow satan to rob you of the amazing journey that Christ has for your life. No matter where that journey takes you, whether through joy or pain, we serve a God that is there to carry you every step of the way...and trust me, He is worth it all.


A mother's heart.
This will be my first post since Luke went to Heaven. I have sat here with the laptop in my lap for hours not knowing where to start. What can I say when my heart hurts so bad?

I have decided that all I can do is be honest about what I am feeling and thinking. So many of you tell me that you think I am strong - and I will be first to tell you, my strength is only from the Lord. My flesh is broken and weak. I am a mother without her baby to hold and I have quickly realized that there is no earthly strength that is strong enough to get me through this on my own. All I can do is praise God that He is the lifter of my head and that He is near to the brokenhearted during this time.

Yesterday, I was a mess. I could not get over how empty I felt. I look at my stomach and cry... not because my clothes don't fit or because I'm not skinny... but because its empty. One month ago today, I was 38 weeks and 5 days pregnant. I could feel his little feet pressing up against my ribs and feel his little body jump when he had the hiccups. I could push against my belly and pat his butt.

One month ago, I was carrying Luke.

More than anything, I loved being pregnant with him. There is something so incredibly special about the bond between a mother and her unborn baby. Luke was my best friend. For nine months, we liked the same foods, listened to the same music, shopped online at our favorite stores and went everywhere together. He was a part of me, a God-formed miracle that was as important to my life as my very own heartbeat. Even though at the time I had never met him, I knew him and he knew me. I talked to him about Jesus and sang praise and worship songs to him in the car. He heard my jokes and knew I was funny (even funnier than his daddy!). He knew my voice and he knew I loved the Lord and that I loved him and prayed for him everyday. I only carried him for nine months but I felt like I had been his mother for my entire life.

Today, I cannot feel Luke with my hands. I cannot pick him up and hold him in my arms... and even though I know he is with Jesus, I miss him. I really miss him.

No words could ever explain how deep the void is in my heart. I have tasted of the sweetest joy that God gives on this Earth and it has left me with an insatiable hunger that cannot be filled.

However, no matter how much I hurt now - my pain is nothing compared to what I felt when I stood over my baby with his arms and legs turning black from lack of circulation. It is a mere sting compared to the deep ache I had when I saw his face in pain. Unless you saw Luke in the hospital, you will never fully comprehend just how sick our little boy was. As much as my arms ache for him, I have peace in knowing that the Lord knew best. I am not mad. I am not bitter. I cry for my own selfishness of dreams and hopes for my son that will never come to pass in this life. My grief is in my flesh and my spirit shouts with joy that my little boy is healed. I praise the Lord that I "do not have to grieve as those who have no hope" (1 Thess. 4:13-14 -- thank you Jesus!)

I am so thankful for all of the prayers and comments people have sent. Please know we read every one of them. There is no way we could respond to them all. There have been so many people who have helped pray us through this and we are so thankful. I am especially thankful for one person that God placed in my life that has been my source of strength every day. They have been there to hold me and cry with me when I felt like my world was falling apart and I can honestly say, I would not be able to do this without them. I would like to take the opportunity to thank that very special person who I know will be reading this...


Benson Sexton... I have never loved you more. In the midst of the worst days of our lives, I have fallen in love with you all over again. You will never fully understand how your love has held me together during the past few weeks. You are so much more than my husband and father to our baby boy - you are my rock, my anchor and my very breath with I cannot breathe on my own. We have stood beside our baby's bed and beside his casket in the very same week. No one (especially you) deserves to experience such intense pain. So many of my tears are because I hurt for you. I hurt for all the UK games you wanted to take Luke to, all the songs you would have sang to him, all the laughs I would have had watching you change his diaper for the first time. I am so sorry that the three of us will never share those memories together on this Earth. Thank you for being such a man of God and for loving Him even more than you love me. Thank you for being everything I ever dreamed of and more in a husband and best friend. Thank you for being the most incredible dad to Luke and for praying and singing over him even when it was hard. I know the Lord is going to fulfill every promise to us and I absolutely cannot wait to be blessed alongside you. I am so proud to be your wife and your partner in ministry. I love you now and will always love you no matter where life takes us.

Love This Life

Have you ever just been so ridiculously thankful for the life you have been given? Not because it is perfect-those of you who know me know that isn't the case. Not because your house is perfect or you have a perfect job. Not because your kids always behave just as they should...mine are close, but...hahahahaha...
No, you just sit back and reflect on the good things in your world and you get that wonderful feeling of contentment as you look at your life and the family you have been given.
I am having one of those mornings today. I am just giddy inside at how much I love this life I have been given, and my family that has been fought for. It could be because I am sittinig in silence right now drinking my coffee and the kids aren't screaming at one another or pulling ONE MORE popcicle out of the freezer. Or it could be that there are times when the presence of God and His sovereignty in my life and His blessings are so apparent that I can't do anything but be grateful and bask in the joys of this life. Whatever it is, and I am thankful to God for this morning, and for this day.
It's just good. God is good. Life is good. I love my family. I love my community. I love my friends. I just love this life.
Thank you Jesus for the opportunity to live it.
Grateful,
The Very Joyful and not so Tired Mom

Just One of Those Days

Today is just one of those days. I'm not here to offer anything profound that has spoken to me today. I'm not here to talk about some major life lesson I have learned. Nope, I'm just sitting at the computer thinking to myself, "Maybe I'll just blog. I have nothing to say accept, "Today I am a more tired mom, than a joyful one."
Ever have those days? Someone please say yes so I don't feel overwhelming guilt. Oh the guilt...I remember a piece of advice I gave a friend once before her first child was born, "Don't own the Mommy Guilt." And I have to be honest...most days I am the worst at owning and living in a mansion on Mommy Guilt Lane. It's as though I set up full residency at this place.
Oh well, this day will pass. I should have known it was going to be a rough one though when we went to Walmart this morning to go grocery shopping and an employee basically played 'chicken' with me to see who would move first. I lost. I had to haul my huge cart out of her way because she couldn't be bothered with taking 2 steps to the right to walk around me, the customer. I couldn't let go of my frustration. Seriously. I was so mad. In fact, I'm still upset about it! I have taken my Walmart grudge home and I am just makin' love to it. Never to let it go again. I even thought about calling them to tell them they lost a customer today-knowing full well that isn't the case because their prices are just too good. Such a moral delimna! :-)
Thanks for checking in on the,
Joyful, but oh so Exhausted Mom

He Can Swim!!!!

My sweet baby boy can swim. HE CAN SWIM!!!!!!!!!!

I could not be more proud of Zachary. He had swim lessons the last 2 weeks and he attacked each lesson with gusto. He was so eager to learn to swim...and he did. He started the lessons rarely putting his face in the water. He is now swimming freestyle. Way to go Zach-Attack!!!!!!

With a Heart Full of Pride and Joy,
The Joyful and Tired Mom

To Discipline or Not? That is the Question.

Whew, today has been a rough one.

I think it's a combination of total exhaustion + excitement + no tv, but too hot to play outside + being consistently disciplined = The Perfect Storm

Zachary's behavior has been nothing short of nightmarish today. I knew it was going to be a rough one when I told him to get into the car for swim lessons and he crawled under Nate's car seat and then just stopped, on all fours, apparently too distracted to finish the task at hand...getting into his carseat. Now granted, my car isn't what I, or anyone, would call clean right now. There are legitimately a zillion things to mesmerize the eyes and mind of any child under 10 (or put me on 'The Secret Life of Hoarders'), but seriously...he did not make it into his carseat without me becoming that crazy mother everyone in the neighborhood judges for always yelling at her kids outside! I hate being that mom. Because I know from the judgment I pass on other's that that type of mom has lost total control of her kids.

After the car seat incident Zachary went to swim lessons. Now, in his defense, he has had a fabulous 2 weeks. My heart has been filled with pride and joy more times than I can count. And the success and confidence he has exhibited in the pool has brought me nearly to tears. My child can swim. He can swim!

However, today was not his best day.

As I watched him only listen to his teacher 1/2 of the time I was faced with a really difficult decision...atleast for me. Do I give him his reward for listening some? Or discipline his behavior for not listening some? After talking with the teacher, and praying, I decided he wouldn't get his reward. I needed to discipline him for not doing what was asked of him.

Ugh. It was so hard. My heart was literally aching that I didn't reward him for when he did do well. It broke my heart to not give him something that would have been special for him. And it broke my heart to tell him that his behavior was wrong.

But I realize, I discipline him because I love him. Because if I don't discipline the small things now, how on earth will I ever be able to discipline him and establish boundaries when he is 15 and thinks I am certifiably crazy and he knows everything. I have to discipline him now because I know the man I want him to become. So each discipline decision we make isn't about changing his behavior for the next five minutes; it's about building into him the charcater, self-control and integrity I want him to exude as a child, young adult, student, friend, husband, parent, and child of God.
But oh my gosh, it is hard and painful to discipline the ones you love...even when it is in their best interest (and the best interest of your sanity).
It reminds me of the scripture verses in Hebrews 12:4-6, 10-11.

And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:
"My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline,
and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
because the Lord disciplines those he loves,
and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."
Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

God disciplines us because he loves us. I feel as though this is where I connect with God as a parent more and more. Each time I discipline my children and it is painful for me, I think of how painful it must be for the Lord to discipline us. But He does it because it is in our best interest. And that is how I have to see disciplining my children. It is in their best interest, and I do it because of the unwavering and immense love I have for them and the hope I have for their future.

Moving on to Time-Out #5,
The Joyful and Tired Mom

One letter that changes everything.

One letter that changes everything.

A Glimpse into My Future

As I write this tears are streaming down my cheeks. Only kidding. Just trying to be dramatic...maybe even prophetic as I am sure many tears WILL BE shed as my boys become teenagers and think they own the world and everything in it, and want nothing to do with me or Mark.
How do I know this? Because last night I got a taste of "Teenage Zachary." Sad, I want my sweet baby back.
Yesterday Zachary went to one of his best buddies homes. He had a great time with Dylan and they played hard all day. When he came home he was totally wiped out and didn't want to get off the couch to even go to the bathroom. He was cute and sleepy till he opened his mouth...full of attitude. (To be honest, I don't know where he gets it...stop laughing mom!)
I kept asking him what was wrong. Was he sad? Tired? Mad? "What's wrong buddy? What's wrong? Are you sure you're ok?" He snapped, "I am fine. Nothing is wrong with me. Quit asking me if something is wrong. Nothing is wrong!" To which I responded as any good mother would, "Ok. Come here buddy. We are going to hang out and talk about our feelings." He didn't laugh. I actually got a deep sigh and an eye roll. Already...at 5 he rolled his eyes at me.
Oh well, he will miss me when I'm gone.
Lord Have Mercy on Me,
The Joyful and Tired Mom

I'm OK with You Thinking I Am Nuts...This is Too Wonderful Not to Share

Nine years ago our old pastor's Wife, Julia Pickerill, taught at the Breathe Festival. During her teaching she talked about how our generation has become a generation where we are constantly seeking the grandiose experiences with God. However, for her, the most spiritual experiences she has had in her lifetime had often been the most simple expressions of love from others.
This teaching has always stuck with me because I love to see God in the small things. It helps me to appreciate that even in this fallen world He still cares for me and my family, and He absolutely hears our prayers. I wanted to share this story of how God worked in the life of my little guy, Zachary. He heard Zachary's prayers and showed Zachary that He heard him, cares for him, and listens to the cries of His children.

(I realize that there may be readers that think I am totally nuts after this post. Or others that say, "Are you kidding? That wasn't God, that was coincidence." If I chose to see things that way then I would miss out on a lot of amazing things that God does around me...I don't want to miss out on how the God of the universe cares for me in such a way that he would bless us in ways only we care about.)

For those of you that have young children you are aware, maybe even painfully aware, that when they have a stuffed animal they are attached to, it is not merely a stuffed animal, but a very real member of the family. We have just recently discovered how Zachary viewed his favorite stuffed animal, Panda.
Mark and I knew he loved this stuffed animal. My mom had gotten it for him for Christmas. He had to sleep with it every night and he carried it with him all over the house, in the car, etc. Well we took Panda to Disney World with us and lost him on the way home. Ugh. He spent nights and naptimes sobbing because he missed him. I mean, sobbing so loudly that he woke his baby brother in the room next door. There was the temptation to tell him to just get over it, but we couldn't. It wasn't his fault he was lost, it was ours...and now my child was devastated every day and every night because his best friend, Panda, wasn't with him.
So my mom and I did what any rational adults would do. My mom went out in search of panda. She bought a replacement, but it wasn't the right one, and Zachary knew it right away. "Now I can sleep with this panda and Panda when we find him." Our hearts sank again. So then we spent the night scouring the internet for a replacement. We discovered that my mom had gotten a panda that was made exclusively for one store, and it was their holiday stuffed animal, and there were no more left...anywhere. Fortunately, we found one. ONE. There was only one of these new pandas on ebay and so my mom graciously, regardless of price, bought Zachary a new Panda.
We waited and waited for it to arrive. While waiting Zachary continued to cry about missing Panda.
Well, yesterday I told him that he was not to cry during quiet time. And then I told him that when I get sad and cry I pray because it makes me feel better. He said, "I prayed last night." You did? "Yeah. I prayed that panda would come home tomorrow." I told him I loved him, gave him a kiss, and then went downstairs. Not 5minutes later my mom showed up at the door with Panda in tow.
She took Panda upstairs to Zachary and he was just silent. He hugged Panda and Nanna so tightly, and then started to cry. As he told me later, "I was just so happy."
I love that God heard Zachary's cries. I love that He knows how much Zachary loves his Panda and how he sees Panda as a legitimate member of our family. I love that when Zachary was specific about asking for Panda to come home the next day...he did.

I realize tht people will say this is just a coincidence, but I won't see it that way. After all that we have been through in this lifetime I don't believe there is such a thing as "over spiritualization." God moves in mighty ways, and in the most simple ways. I am just thankful to be a part of God's work this side of heaven.



Now on a lighter note...are we overdoing it if we install a pet microchip in Panda's ear so we never lose him again?

The Grateful,
Joyful and Tired Mom

Prayer Warriors Needed

Here is my attempt at writing a more serious blog...(deep breath) whew.

Exactly 2 years ago Mark and I faced a crisis in our marriage. It was our darkest hour. Each day my goal was to survive. I survived. Mark survived. And our marriage survived and then began to thrive because of the unwavering love and support from family and friends; and because our God feverishly pursued us and restored us. Because of our understanding of how eaily sin can creep into our lives and destroy, and because of our immense gratitude for those who helped us, and especially for a God that never failed us, Mark and I have decided it is time we offer ourselves, our story, and our lives to marriages/couples in crisis.

We have just decided to join the Crisis Marriage Program at our church as coaches. No, we don't have all the answers. But I will say that when you experience God's faithfulness, restoration, reconciliation, and redemption the way we did it is difficult to not want to shout from the highest mountain top what He has done in our lives, and try to offer hope to other couples that are hurting. In the midst of our crisis one of my best friends said to me, "Let me be the voice of hope for you." It is our desire now to be the voices of hope for those that may have none...or very little.

I am sharing this because we need prayer. We believe in an all-powerful, all-knowing, all-merciful God that loves us inspite of ourselves, and forgives us despite all we say, think, and do. We also believe that the bible is the infallible Word of God. Because of this we know that there is an evil force at work on this earth. Ephesians 6:12 says, "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."

No, our enemy is not an opposite evil equivalent of Jesus, but he is powerful none-the-less. And we know that if our desire is to bring glory to God, he will try to stop, hinder, or slow us down in some way. Because of this we ask for your prayers. Prayers of protection for: our family, our marriage, our children, Mark's job, our friendships, etc. Anything that the Lord may place on your heart to pray, please pray.

We desire for God's truth to be known. His sovereignty to be evident and trusted. And his love to be experienced in very tangible ways for those that need Him to reveal Himself in mighty ways...just as He did for us.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. Thank you even more for taking the time to pray.

Blessings,
Lindsey (and Mark)

Opposites

We have been working on opposites with Drew. Thought these pictures were too funny not to share. He is such a ham.

"Drew, show me your happy face."



"Now show me your sad face."



The Forever Laughing,
Joyful and Tired Mom

Where is Candee Jones When You Need Her?

So today was our first time taking all three boys to the pool together...and it was a SUCCESS!!!!!
We are fortunate enough to be able to go as guests to my parent's neighborhood pool and we are so thankful! But even with a heart full of thanksgiving it doesn't take away my stress at being in a pool with three children-none of whom are independent in the water. (Sidenote: Drew thinks he is. He was putting up quite the fight to jump off of the diving board by himself.) Also, everytime we have gone to the pool in the past I become to consumed with mommy guilt that I can't enjoy my time.
I am so full of guilt that Zachary doesn't know how to swim. He just turned 5, and hasn't been exposed to swimming that often, but still...I spent every day during my summer vacations at the pool: playing mermaids with Emily Ray, wolfing down dry Jello with Tracey Albanese before a swim meet, watching my parents friendships evolve with others into best friendships as they all cheered us on at our meets, getting tossed in the water by my dad, having chicken fights with neighborhood friends, playing 'sharks & minnows' or the 'greased watermelon' game in the deep end (and watching my dad lose a contact lens while playing), spending the day eating awesome snack bar food (hot ham & cheese, pizza, and candy lipstick) and the evenings spent with all of our family's best friends having picnics on the pool patio.
Almost every one of my most treasured childhood memories involves swimming or the pool in some way or another. And because we don't belong to a pool yet, and don't take our boys swimming all the time, I feel like I am robbing them of some of the greatest childhood experiences a child can have.
Now granted, our children are 5, 2 1/2, and 8 months. It isn't as though they are teens and have never swam before. I just want them to enjoy summer vacation like I did when I was growing up. And I know that they will. I know they will. But for now, I just have to shove the mommy guilt aside and know there will come a day when our boys will spend their days doing whatever it is they want to do in the pool (because they will know how to swim). In the meantime though I am going to try to enjoy my time with them now in the water...and wish that Candee Jones were here to teach my children to swim, just like she taught me.
Putting my Best Foot Forward (in the water ofcourse),
The Joyful and Tired Mom

Talk About Strong Genes

Holy Moly...Talk about some strong genes.
Whenever anyone sees our children they always say,
1) "Oh my gosh, can you tell they are brothers, or what?!"
2) "He is definitely his father's son."
3) "No need to go on Maury, you know who that baby's daddy is."
Yes, I must say that Mark and Zachary are clones of one another. My mother-in-law recently gave me a picture of Mark when he was in preschool and held it up next to Zachary's preschool picture and it was astounding...the two look exactly alike! Good thing for Zachary because his dad is a pretty handsome dude, but...it is unreal how much Zachary favors Mark in the looks department.

However, I have always thought that all of our boys had their own distinct looks; and I have had a difficult time seeing the similarities between all of them that others see. Until today...
I came across some old pictures of Drew that look so similar to Nate. I truly had no rememberance of Drew looking so much like his baby brother. But the proof is in the pics. Enjoy!
Drew

Nate

Drew

Nate

Drew

Nate

Hope you enjoyed taking a walk down memory lane with me today. Gosh, they are so cute and they grow up so fast.
Much Love,
The Joyful and Tired Mom
**And Yes, I swear that they are mine, although they look nothing like me. I have pregnancy horror stories to prove it. HAHA!

Ramblings and Reflections

Wow-It has been a LONG time!
I kept holding off on writing because, to be honest, I really didn't have much of anything to say. I mean...I always have things to say to anyone who is willing to listen. But I don't think that many people would want to read my ramblings as I try to process what I have been learning in the last month about myself, about my faith, and about parenting our children.
Also, there are so many things I do want to share about me and Mark, but out of respect for him and what he is comfortable with, I don't want to share much in that department either. What I can tell you though is that we are getting ready to embark on one of our greaest adventures...and challenges...together in our marriage, and I can't wait. Next week we meet with a coordinator for the Marriage and Family Department at our church to potentially become marriage mentors for couples in crisis. We are both thrilled and honored for this opportunity to walk alongside couples that are hurting, and offer encouragement and hope in their time of despair. But we are also keenly aware that it is going to be difficult to not internalize other's pain and make it our own. We are ready...rather, God has prepared us and made us ready, but please pray for us.
I have also been reflecting on contentment and insecurity in my life. I have definitely struggled with self-defeating thoughts when it comes to my body. As a former college athlete it is still hard at times to look in the mirror and not see the body I once had when I was working out 6-7 days a week, a few hours each day. And in my mind I kept thinking that if I could just regain something that resembled what I once had then I would be happy. But it has recently occurred to me that even if I did look the exact way I looked 10 years ago I would still not be happy...there would be someone else that had a better figure, another image I would try to aspire to emmulate. How do I know this? Because even when I was in the greatest shape of my life, I wasn't content with who I was. Unless I get control of this beast inside my head that tells me I am not good enough, or of much value, or attractive enough, nothing will be good enough-not the number on the scale, not the size of my pants, nothing.
Self-reflection is always awesome, isn't it? HA. In all seriousness though, it has been amazing. I am learning a lot. And I am grateful. In the quieter moments I will get a gentle nudge from God painting a very clear picture of what my desires are for our family, and how we are going to get there. And there is peace and excitement in that. I love knowing I have a purpose on this earth.
The other day I had such a strong need to write down what my desires are for our family. Those desires are now posted on our refrigerator (best place for them since I spend much of my day at the fridge). I would encourage others to do the same. Catch a vision. Make it a vision that thinks beyond yourself, beyond your insecurities, beyond the obstacles you believe could stand in your way, and go for. Live this amazing life you have been given and don't let anyone or anything hold you back.
The Reflective,
Joyful and Tired Mom

What Kind of Video?!

So my husband has this odd fascination with the show "Whale Wars" on Animal Planet. While they are fighting for a worthy and noble cause, the tactics they use are a bit on the ridiculous side of the spectrum. So my creative, witty, hilarious husband decided he would take to his blog about "Whale Wars." And as if writing about it were not enough he chose to make a video/mockumentary about a portion of it as well.

www.thejoyfulandtireddad.blogspot.com

Unbeknownst to me, he used one of our bedroom walls as a backdrop for the video because it was a bare wall, and that's what he needed. So late last night I went upstairs to get ready for bed and saw THIS in the middle of our bedroom with the curtains wide open and lights on for all the neighbors to see. Hmmm...



A tripod, a video camera, and lamp set up in our bedroom. Thanks Mark. Thanks a lot.

STOP TOUCHING ME!

I am not sure if any other parents can feel my...what is the word I am looking for? It's not 'pain.' Hmmm...my frustration, my desire for some personal space, my longing to have 10 moments where someone is not touching me.

I just want to try to paint a picture for you of the last 20 minutes.

We have 2 couches and 2 chairs in our family room. Usually at this time of day my boys are watching their favorite show on tv. Also at this time Nate has been up for awhile and is ready for his first of many cat naps he takes throughout the day. I moved his bouncy seat over to the chair that is the furthest piece of furniture from everything else in the room to sit down and bounce him with my foot so he could fall asleep, but not have a child flip off the couch onto him. Before I could turn myself around to sit in the chair Drew had already climbed into the chair to sit with me. Ok. That's fine. We'll just be extra close while I try to bounce your brother to sleep. 5 minutes later after, Drew had been crawling all over me, Zachary comes up and wiggles his way behind me on the chair. So now I have both boys with me in the chair. Cali then decides it's the perfect time for me to throw her the ball, so she is also at my feet. They have both found a way to push me to the very end of the cushion so they could both sit behind me in the chair. I am continuuing to bounce Nate as the boys keep saying, "Mommy, watch me. Watch me. Take that cup! Yah!" (while fighting a sipping cup). Then the 2 of them start fighting and screaming at each other behind my back. I am being bumped this way and that and I can feel my blood pressure rising. I decided to get up and carry Nate's bouncy seat into the office to try to get him to sleep. (No, the little booger still won't take naps in his crib.) Both boys are at the door hollering at me and Drew is literally trying to climb the door. I came out of the office. Went upstairs. Zachary started crying because he couldn't do something with the wii remote and I had to scream down, "Just let me put on a bra!" I came back down. Helped them out, and now I am finishing my blog for the day. How do I have time to write a blog with all the chaos around me? Easy. I have locked myself in my office.
Anti-Touch Today,
The Joyful and Tired Mom

Can't Keep a Good Man Down...or a Crazy Toddler

So we found out today that our sweet baby boy, Drew, has an inguinal hernia and needs surgery. We haven't had a consultation with the pediatric general surgeon yet, and so the surgery date has not been set. I will be honest though, even though I know the surgery for a hernia is extremely common I am still near tears at the thought of my sweet, and often crazy, child having to go under general anesthesia.
I will continue to blog updates about his surgery and about his recovery. And about my emotional stability leading up to surgery.
But here is my question for everyone...
We don't need to eliminate all activity, but we do need to eliminate higher risk activites from his daily life until he has his surgery, and a few weeks following his surgery. So...how do we keep our little guy from his crazy climbing and flipping around the house? I mean, look at the picture above-that is our every day. And if you notice, Drew is the one in the center of the action. That is just who he is and how he rolls through this life. In the middle, and often the instigator of "crazy" in our home.
Worried,
The Joyful and Tired Mom

"The Greatest Generation"

Each family has a history. My family has a wonderful history that Mark and I have chosen to keep alive in our children through stories and pictures. And it is a family history that I am thankul they will want to share with their children, and their children's children.
Part of that history is the service that both of my grandfathers had in the protection of our country and the continued fight to protect our freedoms we now experience everyday in the United States.
I say with a heart full of pride that both of my grandfather's served this country during WWII. My dad's dad (Grandpa) was in the Navy. My mom's dad (Poppa) was in the Army.
Two years ago several of us took my Poppa to see the WWII Memorial. It was one of the most emotional experiences of my life. My grandfather wore an Army hat my mom had gotten him and everywhere we went people thanked him for his service. The tour guide at Arlington Cemetary became emotional while talking with him, had him sign a book that he carries with him to have war heroes sign, and then he announced my grandfather's name and thanked him over the intercom for his bravery and service to our country. I am so proud to be a part of this heritage, this history. I am grateful that I can say that my grandfathers believed in something greater than themselves, and were willing to fight for it, for themselves and for future generations. Freedom always costs something. And as difficult as it is to understand for me, my grandfathers understood that, and courageously put their lives on the line for the American people, for our livelihood, for our freedom.
I am extremely sad that my Grandpa was unable to see the memorial that was built in his honor, and the honor of men he fought beside. He passed away in 1992. I am sad it took so long to build. But I am grateful that it stands today for our generation to see, and for future generations to visit and try to gain some perspective of the incredible men and women who gave their time or their lives in service to our country.




This blog isn't about whether you believe in war or not. It is, however, a blog that encourages EVERYONE, regardless of your stance, to honor and be grateful for the sacrifices soldiers made for you and for me. Unfortunately we live in a time where many of us have forgotten that we are not entightled to the freedoms we possess. And these freedoms that we embrace and sadly, take advantage of and use for our own personal gain, came at a price. Freedom cost something. Even the freedom that we have in Christ cost something...it cost Jesus His life. Someone had to die for the freedom we have in Him. Freedom isn't free.
Many men and women over the centuries have courageously fought for us. It is devastating to know that many people have lost their lives. It is heartbreaking to know that there are men and women who lost their lives in battle, and have never returned home. This is why I love the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. The soldier that is in this tomb is one where they felt the remains could never be indentified. Therefore, it is a symbol to represent all who have fallen during battle. It is guarded 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days of the year. As one soldier that guards the tomb of the unknown said, "We're going to give them the best that we can."

They 'get it.' The recognize the bravery and the sacrifice these men gave for our country. And that is why my stomach turns and I could spit fire when I think that this year the President of our Great Nation is not putting a wreath on the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. I do not want people to write back their opinions about this president. I don't care if you are someone that loves him, or someone that hates him...I would feel this way about any president. It is disgraceful, repulsive, and inconceivable to me that the president would not place a wreath on this tomb on Memorial Day. Inconceivable. I am almost at a loss for words at the level of disrespect this shows all men and women in uniform.
I get it, his family is on vacation...he could have gone next week. But he did say he would place a wreath somewhere in Chicago. Thanks, but no thanks. A wreath somewhere in Chicago is as symbolic as a wreath on my front door. It doesn't cut it, Mr. President, when you consider the price these men paid so that you could even step foot into the highest office in our country.
I'm sorry I am ending on such a sour note. But I do think it should be of the utmost importance to people that we honor those in uniform. That we honor those that are living, and honor the fallen.
And with that I say thank you Poppa and Grandpa for serving your country well. And giving us a family history we can be proud of. You are both brave men and have given us an incredible legacy to pass onto our children. I love you.
The Joyful and Tired and Incredible Grateful Mom,
Lindsey

To Play or Not to Play, That Was the Question

A few weeks ago I was sent an email about playing in an alumni lacrosse game to honor my former coach that has now been involved in lacrosse for 50 years. I was so excited about the possibilities of playing. I was excited about who I would see, about the laughter I knew would ensue, and about the different exercise my body would be getting for an evening. However, I was terrified to play. I haven't played or coached in 9 years. That is a long long long time in the world of lacrosse where quick feet, and an even quicker/sharper mind are a necessity.
I called my dad and asked his opnion on whether or not I should play. I called my wonderful friend Janine who was so confident in my need to play, and her desire for me to play, that she journaled about it in her prayer journal (I was unaware of this until after the game). I talked at length about it as I went through all of the reasons I shouldn't play (the best reason I could come up with is that any ounce of pride I had in me would surely be left on the field-no room for pride when you are embarrassingly terrible at something). And then with the encouragement of Mark, my dad, and Janine I decided to play. My main motivation-I wanted my kids to see mommy on the field playing. I realize that Zachary is the only one that may have a memory of this as he grows up, but it meant something to me to have them see me in action.
The day of the main event I was so nervous! I was talking to a friend and just rambling on and on about my fears and also about the humility it was taking for me to go out there and play against a bunch of high school girls that are, literally, half my age, and that have something to prove. Her response, "Yes, but don't you think that you'll have a better perspective and understanding of the game now that you are older. You may play better because of how you see the game now." She was right. I did feel like I had a better understanding of the game while in the midst of playing. But before the game I was telling Mark her words of encouragement and he laughed and just said, "Yeah, these 16 year olds are in shape and super fast, but don't worry, you have wisdom." Thanks Mark.
So with wisdom on my side it was time for me to get ready for the game. As alumni's, we were told to wear black. Not sure if this was to represent us being old and decrepid, but I digress. Anyway...I stood infront of my mirror trying on different black shirts to see which one was more flattering. Then tried on the different outfits with Spanx, or no Spanx. There I was, mentally preparing for a game, trying to decide if I should wear Spanx under my workout gear or not! I opted to not wear them for the simple fact that it was over 80 degrees and I didn't want to run once down the field and totally pass out because I was so freakin' hot from wearing pants and Spanx that suck in my body from the chest to my knees.
I did think that I looked decent enough to go and represent the "old ladies" of the lacrosse team. I finally decided on a plain black t-shirt that I had worn several days prior to the game, that had not been washed, and that had green beans baby food smudges all over the left shoulder. Awesome.
When I arrived I learned we were playing in the stadium and so as I was running into the stadium I tweaked my ankle. Not a good sign. It was so great to see some familiar faces. I was, however, the oldest girl by atleast 3 years. And the only one that had had children (which, by the way, I loved having there for the world to see. They make me so proud.) I was ready to play when my old coach looks at me and says, "I am not putting you in midfield, you are home with three kids." Seriously?! Just because I am a stay at home mom with 3 boys doesn't mean I am now a lazy woman who sits and eats bon-bons all day...that only occurs in my dreams! I finally did get to play and felt great doing it. But one of the high schoolers asked a few of us how old we were. When they girl next to me said she was 25 the girl says, "Wow. You're 10 years older than me." Ah! And for me I was like, "Yep. I'm 30 (twice your age)." It was as though they had never met anyone that old outside of their parents before.
It was a great game. We had a blast! We laughed a ton! And we, the alumni, won the game 10-6. Woot!
And when the game was finally over Zachary took to the track and ran 2 laps...a 1/2 a mile!!!! It was awesome! And Drew was even running the track until he was distracted by a fence. You know he was thinking, "Hmmm...I wonder if I can climb this?"
In all seriousness though...this game brought out a lot of insecurities in me. Insecurities that I know I have, but have been able to stuff far below the surface for a very long time. Choosing to play drew those insecurities out of me, and the ugly and petty fears I had are unjustified and make me too self-focused...which is not who I want to be. I drove to the game pumping myself up by saying, "These girls have no idea how terrified and full of fear you really are for this game. Just show up and put on a mask. You'll be fine, and they will never know the self-doubt you have in your ability to play this game, or the insecurity you have of not being in fighting form right now." But I realize, I don't want to have to say those things to myself to do something fun and outrageous. I want to live confidantly in who God has made me. Live proudly because although I may not be in top lacrosse playing shape I can marvel at the fact that I have had 3 beautiful, healthy, wonderful children in less than 4 1/2 years. And be grateful that when I choose to put myself out there, whatever it is, I have my incredible husband, children, family, and friends that support me, not because I am the best, but because they love me.
Incredibly Thankful to Still Play,
The Joyful and Tired Mom

It's Been Awhile

Hello to my enormous following...it has been too long.
I am completely kidding-about the enormous following anyway. It has been a very long time since I have written. To be honest, it hasn't been because there are a lack of things I want to share, but rather, I don't want every post to sound so "woe is me." Therefore, I have chosen to forgo writing for a time in the hopes of checking my nasty attitude at the door and sitting down at the computer and being funny, witty, and incredibly inspiring (ha!).
Truth be told though, I'm not sure I'm there yet. Kids are hard. Man, to all the stay-at-home moms out there that I silently envied because I thought the most difficult part of your day was trying to not double-book a luncheon with friends-I AM SO SO SO SORRY. I never, in my life, imagined that motherhood would be so challenging. And I constantly hear women say, "Oh, it's so hard, but I wouldn't change a thing." If I can be totally transparent here...I would change a thing. I would change lots of things.
1)For starters, the first order of business would be to make it so there is a miraculous recovery for women after they have children. And by "miraculous recovery" I do not mean that we physically heal. I mean that the moment our beautiful child is born we instantly drop back down to a size 6 with amazing abs and no need for Spanx or weight watchers...ever! I think we are owed that much after carrying a child for nearly a year. And no, I am sadly not from the school of thought that says, "Oh, but atleast we get to experience pregnancy. Men don't get to experience the joy of feeling their baby move." I'll tell you what Mark got to experience: sleeping through the night; feeling the baby move when he wanted, not at 1 a.m., 3 a.m. and 5 a.m.; eating whatever the heck he wanted and not having to prick his finger 4 times a day or give himself 2 insulin shots a day. And he never has to experience someone asking him if he is pregnant when he isn't! (This has happened to me after each child was born-yikes.) No one will ever go up to a man and just say, "Wow-you are looking awfully fat these days." And if I thought people wouldn't judge me or say I had a nasty attitude...I would totally keep going. :-) I am not happy pregnant woman.
2) The second thing I would change is that I would give my children ears that always listen.
3) I would never have to worry about a stranger trying to take my kids.
4) They would go to bed the minute that I wanted them too. And, they would all take naps at exactly the same time everyday.
5) Occupational Therapy would be free.
6) I would be able to cook in the kitchen without having our cat (aka: Drew) under my feet the entire time.
7) I wouldn't worry what other people thought of me, my parenting, or my children.
8) I would have much more joy in embracing what each day brings, as opposed to gearing myself up for a days worth of time-outs.
9) I would make it so my dog never shed. Glorious!!!!!
10) I wouldn't be insecure about anything. And instead of condemning myself for what I can't do, I would marvel at what I can do.
11) I would laugh a whole lot more at the goofy things my kiddos say and do because they are hysterical! I don't want to one day look back at this time in sadness and regret because I let precious moments pass me by.
12) I would eat more chocolate and not gain an ounce. As it stands now, I look at it and go up a pant size.
13) I would invent Diet Wine.
14) Finally, I would choose to be different each day for my children as I constantly evolve as a parent figuring out how to best love them and teach them to grow up to be responsible, caring, helpful adults.
Till next time...
The forever grateful for Grace,
Joyful and Tired Mom
Oh! And I would totally have my laundry fold itself...and put itself away.