From Trauma to Triumph

This has honestly been one of the craziest, most incredibly awesome, beautiful weeks our family has ever experienced.
As many o f you know Zachary fell through the ice on a pond in our neighborhood several weeks ago. We have spent the last several weeks grieving what happened, and what could have happened. Talking with counselors. Talking with each other about the accident. Acknowledging when things feel hard and scary. Crying together. Hugging each other. And walking this road to a place of healing.
On the night of the accident Zachary asked that I not share his story with anyone else. He was ashamed and terrified, and didn't want anyone to remind him of what had happened to him on that dreaded day.
Um, does he know how much this one request cramped his momma's style? I mean, has he never met me?! I am an external, share your whole life, be uncomfortably transparent with all of your successes and failures, kind of person. This is the kind of story that could HELP people! It could save lives! And he didn't want me to say a word. But I needed to process what had happened. So I did the next best thing-I wrote about what happened, sent it to my friend who was with me when the accident happened, and she anonymously started posting about it: warnings, thanksgivings, advice for kids and parents.
Then my dear friend at Goldfish Swim School (who I had contacted right after the accident to thank  for teaching my son the skills he needed to survive his accident) called because she had been thinking that to share Zachary's story could help to shape the way people view water safety, bring awareness to the dangers of retention ponds that surround us, and help people be safe and vigilant with winter water safety.
My counselor recommended that I just be honest with Zachary that I was sharing his story with others because that is part of the way I heal and process through things. When I told him, he was fine with it. His grandmother had told him his story would save lives, and he said he had never considered that. So we started sharing more openly his story. And by we, I mean me.
Then!!!! 3 weeks after the accident, Goldfish Swim School had their PR company pitch a story about what happened to Zachary, his tale of survival, and how he had gotten himself out of this horrific position he had found himself in that January day. Zachary was excited and wanted to do the interview!

The next day a local news station picked up his story and interviewed us a few days later.

Zachary, my incredibly courageous, bold, heroic, kind, generous, compassionate, wise, amazing 9 year old shared his story. He relived that day with the reporter, fears and all. It was incredible to watch God redeem something so traumatic in Zachary's life, and allow him to walk away triumphant. Brave. Mighty. Helping others.

Here is the link to his story.

9 Year Old Survives Fall into Frozen Pond

As is expected, so much of his interview was edited out because of time constraints. However, one sound bite I wish they had used was when the reporter asked what Zachary had been thinking when he was in the water. Zachary said, "I gotta get out of here, or I could die." It's so heartbreaking to hear your child say something like that; but that statement paints an incredibly vivid picture of the severity of his accident that day.
However, he didn't die. He is truly living a life, and on this day, he is glorifying God with his incredible story. God is with us!
One thing Mark and I want all of our children to learn as we walk this life together, when we look back on what happened to Zachary, is this:

Even when we are disobedient and do things we are not supposed to do (like disobeying parents and walking on a frozen pond), even when a horrible consequence results from our disobedience, God works all things for good for those who love Him. It's one of His many promises to us; one that we embrace daily. One we celebrate often; and one we know to be true for our son. God redeemed this trauma, and turned it to triumph.
To Him be the glory, forever and ever. Amen.
The Forever Grateful,
Joyful and Tired Mom



Our son. Our hero.

 

 

 

My heart feels like it may burst with pride and excitement. After Zachary's horrible accident, 10 tv picked up his story and wanted to interview him. We initially told them no because we thought Zachary wouldn't want to do it. We asked him if the tv station could use a picture of him to tell his story to help others, and his response was, "Sure." But as I was leaving his room he said, "You know, I'd really like to be a part of the interview." Say what!?

So today was the day that our brave 9 year old sat before the camera and a broadcaster and shared his amazing story. I'm not sure how they will edit it, so I won't say much just yet. However, I will say that I am thankful for Goldfish Swim School for providing an amazing opportunity for Zachary to help others, and take one step closer to healing.
Lisa and Steve, our family adores you, and we are so thankful to God that you brought your way of teaching to Columbus. You provided Zachary with the tools necessary to keep his head above water, and swim to safety. We are forever grateful.
And by God's grace, He is redeeming something so frightening in all of our lives, for good. He always works for the good of those who love Him. And we are thankful!

He Loves a Hot Mess Like Me

18 years ago, a relatively new friend tore a piece of paper into the shape of a cross, and shared this bible verse with me:

 

"Be still and know that I am God." -Psalm 46:10

It could be said of me that I had a flare for the dramatics back in the day. She could clearly see that I needed to settle my heart and mind, and pointed me in the direction of truth.
I held onto this cross for over a decade. Each time I pulled out my bible to read it, this little note would fall onto the floor. I would pick it up, read it, be reminded of this friend's love for me and my faith, and be reminded to just 'be still before God.'
But if I am honest...if we all are...how often are we truly "still" before God? How often do we wait for Him? How often do we just sit in His presence and do nothing? If you are like me, the answer is, "Almost never." Because for me, if I am busy, I think I am important. If I'm busy, it must mean that my life has value. If I am busy, it means everything I do has a purpose and is necessary. Or I am flat out so busy some days doing all that needs done, my head could spin.
But today, after over 24 solid hours of my heart feeling like it was going to beat out of my chest, and not being able to think my way into peacefulness, I came home to an empty house and KNEW I needed to spend time with Jesus. If He is the Rock I claim to stand upon, then in these moments of high stress and high anxiety, I need to stop making excuses to not go to my source, my foundation of peace. I needed Him, whose peace surpasses all understanding. Because I tell you what, we need peace. Like so many families we are juggling a lot right now. Life feels crazy, and nothing seems in our control. We have a lot of unknowns in our life right now, kids that all have very different needs, counseling sessions that need paid for, a child and family recovering from a trauma, job demands that need met, uncertainty of where we will move, a house going on the market and wanting and waiting for it to sell, etc., etc. I know so many of you feel me here!
So today I came home and wrote in my journal, read a chapter in Revelation of Christ's future glory (so cool), and then literally laid prostrate on the floor and was still before God. (P.S. It does not feel natural for me.) And immediately the scripture from the Psalms popped into my mind, "Be still and know that I am God. Be still and know that I am God. Be still and know that I am God." Over and over this verse kept repeating in my mind. And then in the stillness I could hear God's still, quiet voice, not audibly, but in my heart say to me, "Lindsey, I am in all the details. I am in all the details. I am in all the details about your house, about the buyer, about jobs. I am in all the details." And then I prayed, "God, it just seems like so much right now." To which He said to me, "You're right, it is a lot. Which is why you need to know that I am in all the details."
I know many will feel like I am silly or crazy for believing what I believe-and I am ok with that.  God has revealed himself to me in more ways than I ever imagined He would or could in the past. And I am so thankful He is revealing himself to me today even still.  While I don't hear from Him every day in the way I did today, I am thankful for this blessing. This reminder of truth I can cling to. I am thankful that He loves me enough to get involved in our messy life this side of heaven. I am thankful.

And he'll step into your "mess" too if you let Him.

 

He loves a Hot Mess like me,

The Joyful and Tired Mom

Walking through the Valley of a Trauma...a moment of healing and clarity

I can't tell you the number of times I have silently prayed God would heal my son's mind over the years. Make his brain act as though it "should". Take away the impulsivity. Take away those tendencies that make life harder than the average hard.
Before I continue, let me preface this with the truth. We love our son and all that he is. We think he is remarkable in more ways that we can count. However, over the years we have struggled with the reality of a son that has ADHD. Not in the way you typically picture a child with ADHD bouncing off the walls. But a child that is inattentive, wickedly smart, has had difficulty controlling the impulse to excessively eat, control the volume of his voice, stutter, obsessively pick the skin off of his fingers to meet a sensory impulse to pick, always trying to be the center of attention, and not being able to read a social cue or read a facial expression if it hit him in the face. On top of ADHD he has several autistic tendencies. We have spoken with numerous professionals and they all say the same thing, "Yes, he has lots of autistic tendencies, but getting an official medical diagnosis for him would be difficult because he never had a language delay, and he is empathetic toward others. But yes, he has a lot of those tendencies we see in children with autism." Brilliant problem solver. Brain is constantly racing with a million ideas. Married to the need for structure. Difficulty handling emotions. Sensory sensitive. Can't calm down if he gets angry or upset. Low muscle tone, stamina, and coordination(extra hard for boys since sports are what so many children are into at his age). It's been a challenging road. He is noticeably not like his peers, so as parents we witness the weird faces kids make when they look at him. Nothing slays me more than this. He needs extra help in many ways, but because he doesn't have an official diagnosis, he doesn't qualify for services. So Mark and I have poured a lot of our resources into helping him in ways he needs help. We have jokingly said that one day we will have to tell Zachary that we don't have a college fund set up for him, but we got him through 3rd grade. So yes, life can feel overwhelming and hard when you wonder how you are going to pay for the next speech therapy session, or counseling session. All the while your heart breaks because you want children to see your child for all the amazingness that he is: kind, generous, compassionate, filled with integrity. Pretty much, Zachary is going to make one woman the luckiest woman on earth because he is going to be the greatest husband in the world. The most faithful friend. And one heck of an employee, or employer for that matter. And although we can see who he is, and all of his strengths...my heart has broken a million and one times too because of how he has struggled.

But...back to my intent for this blog post. Zachary has had 2 appointments with a counselor since he fell through the ice and into a frigid pond. During his last appointment his counselor asked him what it felt like when he fell into the water. He said it was very cold. Then she asked him what happened next. He said he couldn't see one of his friends, but he could hear him sobbing. Then he said he tried to get out the way he came, but couldn't get onto the ice, or break the ice the way he came. She asked him how that made him feel when he realized he couldn't get back out that way. Thinking that he would talk about his fear at that moment, he instead said, "Once I couldn't get out the way I came, I realized I needed to turn around and start punching my way through the ice in the other direction, to swim out."
The counselor then looked at me and Mark and said, "Those autistic tendencies that you started seeing me for months ago were probably his saving grace that day. He was able to separate the emotional from the rational and solve the problem at hand. Most children would have just panicked."
Oh my gosh, the number of tears I have cried since this beautiful moment of clarity...Jesus knew...Jesus knew exactly how he made Zachary and who He made him to be...
What I had always blindly seen as his greatest weakness in his life, was actually, and is actually, his GREATEST strength.
I am so heartsick that Zachary has endured what he did that day on the pond. I am sad for this trauma. And I am overwhelmed with sadness for his fear. But during our healing, I am so thankful that God has allowed the blinders to come off of my eyes so I can clearly see how remarkable this young man is that he has blessed me with and allowed me the privilege to raise. I always knew he was remarkable, but now I see him in an entirely new and marvelous light as well. And that is a treasure, a gift, I never want to take for granted.
The FOREVER Grateful,
Joyful and Tired Mom

*Please do not hate me for being honest about parenting hardships. I want to make it abundantly clear that I have always loved my child, all of my children, with every beat of my heart for who they are. But there is pain in parenting because you walk around a (sometimes) cruel world with your heart on your sleeve each and every second, of each and every moment, of each and every day. And when you feel joy deeply as I do, you also feel pain deeply too. I hope I made that clear in this post.

The Nightmares Have Started

The nightmares have started.
I was told they would come. I was told that we needed to watch for any signs of distress with our son, watch to see if his sleep was getting disrupted by thoughts of what happened.
His sleep has been restful and...better than ever actually. Mark and I have to still remain vigilant; but for now, we are celebrating that his sleeping moments are peaceful ones for his little mind.
I, on the other hand, have started having nightmares. It hit me last night. Each time I would wake up, realize it wasn't real, then fall back asleep, only to have the same nightmare again.
In my nightmare Zachary is out with his friend Dylan. Dylan's mom, Sarah, came to sit with the boys and she noticed air bubbles coming out of a basin, and Zachary was missing. She quickly realized Zachary had fallen into a very narrow hole and she had to save him. In my nightmare she acted quickly and saved Zachary's life, reaching deep into this hole and pulling him out before he drowned. And in my sleep I kept reliving what had happened to Zachary in my dream. Wake up. Fall back asleep. Repeat. Over and over and over throughout the entire night. My prayer, is this torment never reaches Zachary's innocent mind because it's awful, and feels so real.
Fortunately, this is a nightmare I am able to wake up from; and Zachary falling through the ice into an icy pond is a nightmare we are also fortunate enough to not relive all the days of our lives.
The moment he was brought home, wrapped in towels, and cold to the core was a moment I will never forget. It was like the entire sky broke into a million shards of glass and came crashing down around me. When bits and pieces of the horrific story come out over time we all realize how truly miraculous it is that he is still with us. Falling through ice, unable to touch, treading water and then swimming 20 feet to the bank of the pond, punching the ice the entire way to make a path for himself, all the while carrying the weight of layers upon layers of snow clothes and boots saturated in icy/frigid waters is miraculous. Our child who has low-tone, where endurance and stamina and strength isn't a strength, was able to have the presence of mind to solve this awful problem he found himself in during those terrifying moments. His head never submerged, AND IT SHOULD HAVE! There is no reason it didn't. It's a miracle from Jesus.
However, as I have been processing what happened, I wrote to friends and family about God's mercies being on our family that day. But then realized, that had Zachary died, had our outcome been very different, God's mercies would have still been on our family that day. Our suffering on this earth would have just looked very different, and been much more heart wrenching and painful. And my heart breaks for parents that have a very different outcome than we did. And to them, I am so so sorry.
For now, we continue to talk about what happened. Continue to try and help Zachary work through his fear and shame. However, it's a lot. A few have minimized what happened. That's painful for us, as we were the ones that could have lost our son that day. Although we know the horror of that day through our eyes as parents, grandparents, family, and friends, one of my oldest and beloved friends wrote this to me about Zachary:

"No one but Zachary, in that moment, had the intense experience of feeling as if their own time might now be here. Fewer children than we realize actually ever experience this. Most of us do horribly dangerous crap, but we walk away not realizing the danger that we escaped. The adults all freak out and we are wondering what is wrong with them. Why they do that. For Zachary, this experience was totally different. He likely saw the terror and fear on everyone's faces, felt the weight of his clothing, the breathlessness and stiffness from the cold. And within all of that, he was completely alone. No one else was experiencing what he was, no one else was fearing for their lives. It was him and only him out there.  And only him who was going to have to find whatever it was that he needed to save himself. What a heavy heavy weight for him to carry at such a young age. What an extreme moment of loneliness, if only for a minute."

And it was this that caused my heart to break again. His fear. Oh his fear. We will not focus on his fear, but we must acknowledge it for his healing, and for our own.
Please pray for our son as he tries to live like this never happened, all the while internally processing what happened and what could have been. We want this to one day not have power over him. Not be something that causes him pain. But be part of his story that will save lives. And we want him to one day rejoice in that.

Forever Grateful,

The Joyful and Tired Mom