The nightmares have started.
I was told they would come. I was told that we needed to watch for any signs of distress with our son, watch to see if his sleep was getting disrupted by thoughts of what happened.
His sleep has been restful and...better than ever actually. Mark and I have to still remain vigilant; but for now, we are celebrating that his sleeping moments are peaceful ones for his little mind.
I, on the other hand, have started having nightmares. It hit me last night. Each time I would wake up, realize it wasn't real, then fall back asleep, only to have the same nightmare again.
In my nightmare Zachary is out with his friend Dylan. Dylan's mom, Sarah, came to sit with the boys and she noticed air bubbles coming out of a basin, and Zachary was missing. She quickly realized Zachary had fallen into a very narrow hole and she had to save him. In my nightmare she acted quickly and saved Zachary's life, reaching deep into this hole and pulling him out before he drowned. And in my sleep I kept reliving what had happened to Zachary in my dream. Wake up. Fall back asleep. Repeat. Over and over and over throughout the entire night. My prayer, is this torment never reaches Zachary's innocent mind because it's awful, and feels so real.
Fortunately, this is a nightmare I am able to wake up from; and Zachary falling through the ice into an icy pond is a nightmare we are also fortunate enough to not relive all the days of our lives.
The moment he was brought home, wrapped in towels, and cold to the core was a moment I will never forget. It was like the entire sky broke into a million shards of glass and came crashing down around me. When bits and pieces of the horrific story come out over time we all realize how truly miraculous it is that he is still with us. Falling through ice, unable to touch, treading water and then swimming 20 feet to the bank of the pond, punching the ice the entire way to make a path for himself, all the while carrying the weight of layers upon layers of snow clothes and boots saturated in icy/frigid waters is miraculous. Our child who has low-tone, where endurance and stamina and strength isn't a strength, was able to have the presence of mind to solve this awful problem he found himself in during those terrifying moments. His head never submerged, AND IT SHOULD HAVE! There is no reason it didn't. It's a miracle from Jesus.
However, as I have been processing what happened, I wrote to friends and family about God's mercies being on our family that day. But then realized, that had Zachary died, had our outcome been very different, God's mercies would have still been on our family that day. Our suffering on this earth would have just looked very different, and been much more heart wrenching and painful. And my heart breaks for parents that have a very different outcome than we did. And to them, I am so so sorry.
For now, we continue to talk about what happened. Continue to try and help Zachary work through his fear and shame. However, it's a lot. A few have minimized what happened. That's painful for us, as we were the ones that could have lost our son that day. Although we know the horror of that day through our eyes as parents, grandparents, family, and friends, one of my oldest and beloved friends wrote this to me about Zachary:
I was told they would come. I was told that we needed to watch for any signs of distress with our son, watch to see if his sleep was getting disrupted by thoughts of what happened.
His sleep has been restful and...better than ever actually. Mark and I have to still remain vigilant; but for now, we are celebrating that his sleeping moments are peaceful ones for his little mind.
I, on the other hand, have started having nightmares. It hit me last night. Each time I would wake up, realize it wasn't real, then fall back asleep, only to have the same nightmare again.
In my nightmare Zachary is out with his friend Dylan. Dylan's mom, Sarah, came to sit with the boys and she noticed air bubbles coming out of a basin, and Zachary was missing. She quickly realized Zachary had fallen into a very narrow hole and she had to save him. In my nightmare she acted quickly and saved Zachary's life, reaching deep into this hole and pulling him out before he drowned. And in my sleep I kept reliving what had happened to Zachary in my dream. Wake up. Fall back asleep. Repeat. Over and over and over throughout the entire night. My prayer, is this torment never reaches Zachary's innocent mind because it's awful, and feels so real.
Fortunately, this is a nightmare I am able to wake up from; and Zachary falling through the ice into an icy pond is a nightmare we are also fortunate enough to not relive all the days of our lives.
The moment he was brought home, wrapped in towels, and cold to the core was a moment I will never forget. It was like the entire sky broke into a million shards of glass and came crashing down around me. When bits and pieces of the horrific story come out over time we all realize how truly miraculous it is that he is still with us. Falling through ice, unable to touch, treading water and then swimming 20 feet to the bank of the pond, punching the ice the entire way to make a path for himself, all the while carrying the weight of layers upon layers of snow clothes and boots saturated in icy/frigid waters is miraculous. Our child who has low-tone, where endurance and stamina and strength isn't a strength, was able to have the presence of mind to solve this awful problem he found himself in during those terrifying moments. His head never submerged, AND IT SHOULD HAVE! There is no reason it didn't. It's a miracle from Jesus.
However, as I have been processing what happened, I wrote to friends and family about God's mercies being on our family that day. But then realized, that had Zachary died, had our outcome been very different, God's mercies would have still been on our family that day. Our suffering on this earth would have just looked very different, and been much more heart wrenching and painful. And my heart breaks for parents that have a very different outcome than we did. And to them, I am so so sorry.
For now, we continue to talk about what happened. Continue to try and help Zachary work through his fear and shame. However, it's a lot. A few have minimized what happened. That's painful for us, as we were the ones that could have lost our son that day. Although we know the horror of that day through our eyes as parents, grandparents, family, and friends, one of my oldest and beloved friends wrote this to me about Zachary:
"No one but Zachary, in that moment, had the intense experience of feeling as if their own time might now be here. Fewer children than we realize actually ever experience this. Most of us do horribly dangerous crap, but we walk away not realizing the danger that we escaped. The adults all freak out and we are wondering what is wrong with them. Why they do that. For Zachary, this experience was totally different. He likely saw the terror and fear on everyone's faces, felt the weight of his clothing, the breathlessness and stiffness from the cold. And within all of that, he was completely alone. No one else was experiencing what he was, no one else was fearing for their lives. It was him and only him out there. And only him who was going to have to find whatever it was that he needed to save himself. What a heavy heavy weight for him to carry at such a young age. What an extreme moment of loneliness, if only for a minute."
And it was this that caused my heart to break again. His fear. Oh his fear. We will not focus on his fear, but we must acknowledge it for his healing, and for our own.
Please pray for our son as he tries to live like this never happened, all the while internally processing what happened and what could have been. We want this to one day not have power over him. Not be something that causes him pain. But be part of his story that will save lives. And we want him to one day rejoice in that.
Please pray for our son as he tries to live like this never happened, all the while internally processing what happened and what could have been. We want this to one day not have power over him. Not be something that causes him pain. But be part of his story that will save lives. And we want him to one day rejoice in that.
Forever Grateful,
The Joyful and Tired Mom
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