What Anger Really Looks Like

Writing has always been a special kind of therapy for me. Regardless of whether people read what I write, it has always been a place where I could escape and clear my thoughts and make them concise and offer myself clarity. Writing helps me sift through the junk that clutters my mind, and delve into what I am truly thinking and feeling behind everything that clouds my perceptions.
However, there is something that is weighing so heavily on me, that I cannot seem to begin to process what it is that is so bothersome. It's just this dark, heavy cloud that has made its home surrounding me. I can't see around it, above it, below it, or through it. It's just there. It's existence is making me crazy. But more than that, the fact that I can't articulate exactly what is embedded in this cloud is what is truly frustrating.
This has been a very challenging week for our family. Everyone has times like this in their lives whether you are raising children or not. But it has seemed exponentially worse this week than the normal "hard day." Our children, as wonderful as they are, have made life more complicated. What I mean by this is, they have some very real needs. Trying to determine how to meet those needs, and failing time and time again, and not being able to help them is both frustrating and heartbreaking at the same time. And please, I am not even going to get into the exhausting piece of trying to solve this intricate puzzle with constantly shifting pieces.
What I will say is that Mark and I have been seeking counsel from those that love us and love our boys, daily. We are trying strategies to help them, some offer respite for a moment, others fail miserably. But we are trying. And we will never cease trying to meet each of their needs so they feel loved and secure.
But...and there is a big, fat, BUT...last night I read a blog that a mother had written about tools she uses to help her child process her anger. The example she used was her daughter calling her sister a "stupid egghead." (You can read the blog here.) For a long time I couldn't even dignify this blog with a response. That was her example of a child with "anger issues." Now, this may be what is challenging to this husband and wife. To have a little name calling may be what exacerbates them in their home. From a parent whose child actually struggles with real anger, I perceived this blog as petty, and felt as though it undermined and trivialized what we, and many other families, actually go through.
I know that people will say I shouldn't take this woman's blog so personally. Or that I should be gracious because she is struggling too in her own way with her child. And yet, I still can't comprehend that what she considers challenging would be like a vacation day for us.
For years, and years, and years we have been working with one of our children who, at times, has an explosive temper. Screaming, growling, irate, out of control, can't calm down, sobbing meltdowns that can last over an hour. My child who is known for his kindness, and recognized by his teachers as one of the most caring and considerate children they know, far beyond that of most children his age...can become so frustrated with himself that he loses his ability to take a deep breath and walk away. His anger is directed at himself more often than not. He punches himself. Screams that he is so stupid. Won't let others help him. Can't begin to see reason beyond his emotions.
Yesterday, I ended up picking him up from school because it wasn't beneficial for him, or anyone else, to stay there. He couldn't be redirected. He couldn't focus. He couldn't pull it together.
And while I agree that the woman's 2 strategies in her blog are good, and meaningful...I do not see them as anything more than laying a foundation that my child will, hopefully, one day draw from in his moments of frustration. Yes, pray first. Yes, your hands and mouth are to be used for good, not evil.
But when you have a child that truly struggles with his anger. That hates himself when he fails. That is a perfectionist to the "t" and can't allow himself any room for error...well, those 2 strategies aren't going to be enough. And developmentally, I am not even sure that abstract concepts like this would be understandable at this age.
So there it is...a mildly, albeit, disjointed post about anger.
I don't have all the answers. I can tell you we are working on them, along with a wonderful counselor, that is trying to help our beautiful son see himself in a kinder light than he sees himself.  We are taking deep breaths daily and trusting that God has a plan for our child. Seeing His goodness flow through him 95% of the time, and working our way though the other 5% that's a minefield. And acknowledging that just because it is hard, and we want to cry, does not mean we have a lack of faith. To the contrary...we are constantly reminded of our ever growing, and desperate need, for our Savior.
To other parents with children you want to rescue from the mires of anger, you are not alone,
The Joyful and Tired Mom