I love living in my home full of boys. I love that everyday I get to look forward to 3 boys that want to snuggle with me. I love that everyday I hear the voice of Handy Manny (even though I think Wilmer Valderama is a total tool) as they build a birdhouse or a tool box or a racecar. I love when Mark gets home from work everyday there is a stampede to the door as our boys chant, "Wrestle time! Wrestle Time! Open the wrestle and see what's inside!" (I know it makes no sense.) I don't love that most days I hear sobs, usually from Zachary, after a lightsaber battle where he was inevitably hit in the head; but I do love the lightsaber battles. I love on Saturday mornings going into the basement and seeing all three boys crowded around Mark as they watch Battleforce 5 and Bakugan cartoons. I love their exuberance for life. I love their energy (most days). I love that I can look into the future and get excited about the men they will become. I love that I can pray for their future wives one day, my future daughters-in-law. I love this picture I have in my mind of our boys as young adults that captures this really incredible bond they share as they genuinely have fun around each other and get along.
However, if I am being honest, there is a sense of longing in me to have a daughter that I know will never be satisfied. And that longing always strikes when I get a new Pottery Barn Kids catalog in the mail. I know it sounds totally absurd, but it's true! As I look through the pages of the magazine at all of the flowers and butterflies, chandeliers and pink walls, I am saddened to know that those things are not in my future. No, my decisions for a bedroom will always consist of trying to choose which plaid bedspread to get, and if we should paint the wall blue or keep it white.
I would never trade any of my boys, nor do I wish one of them was a girl. I love each of them as they are for who they are. I am also not in a position to "try for a girl one more time." I never wanted more than 3 children. I also don't think that I could handle more than 3 kiddos. So we are most definitely stopping at three...our lives are very full and very good.
However, there is still a grieving process that I have had to go through. I am grieving the death of a dream and a hope I had to have a little girl. I won't have the mother/daughter relationship with a little girl that I have with my mom. I'm terribly sad about that. I'm sad that I won't get to plan a wedding. And yes, we won't have to pay for one either, but still...it's difficult at times.
When I envsioned my life I had always pictured having 2 boys and 1 girl. I have quickly let go of those ideas and embraced with the most joyful and excited heart my life with 3 young boys. If Pottery Barn would just stop sending me those dang catalogs...
Loving my life as a Mom of 3 boys,
The Joyful and Tired Mom
wow. talk about relevant. I was JUST perusing my pb catalog and actually said a prayer that baby #3 (who is not on it's way or being tried for yet) would be a girl when I saw an ADORABLE girl's room. I love your honesty in this post. I HATE when I hear people say they are "trying for a..." whatever. I have no doubt that i will love whatever gender baby my next (and probably last) baby will be. The other day there was a lady at a restaurant who was talking to me and had two twin girls who were not quite two and a four year old girl and in FRONT of them said "I was really praying for boys with the twins. I never wanted to be a mom of girls, but here I am." Ick. Thank you for loving your boys and for helping me to be excited about the prospect of three boys...because I am.
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