The Beloved/Dreaded Participation Trophy: One Mom's Journey to the Other Side

As a one time believer in the Participation Trophy, I could not let my thoughts linger in response to Pittburgh Steeler, James Harrison making his sons return their participation trophy at the end of a season.

"While I am very proud of my boys for everything they do and will encourage them till the day I die, these trophies will be given back until they EARN a real trophy,” Harrison captioned a photo of his sons’ student-athlete trophies. “I’m not about to raise two boys to be men by making them believe that they are entitled to something just because they tried their best. Cause sometimes your best is not enough, and that should drive you to want to do better...not cry and whine until somebody gives you something to shut u up and keep you happy.”

Now I must confess that had I read this one month ago I would have put my self-righteous/defensive boxing gloves on and come out swinging. And here is why:

From the time my sons starting playing sports, it was evident that they would never be winning a trophy for being the best at anything. Athleticism isn't their greatest strength. And that is ok. I repeat, that is ok. However, we live in a world where we glorify athletes starting at a very early age. As young as 7 my oldest son was coming home and saying, "Everyone respects (said child) and thinks he's cool just because he's good at sports. For no other reason than he's good at sports!" He couldn't understand or justify in his mind why his peers would hold someone at a higher level of esteem simply because they were more coordinated on a sports field. It is just the way our world operates at this time. I can't explain it. I don't understand it. I don't necessarily like it. But it is what it is; and so as a parent of children that aren't always celebrated for their brilliant minds by our world, I wanted my boys to experience a piece of that thrill of receiving a trophy. And how were they ever going to get that trophy? Simply put...a participation trophy.

It was the only way we could ever foresee our children getting a trophy, when the  thrill of getting and displaying a trophy is still magical.

However...

I am now singing a very different tune. VERY DIFFERENT. And I never, in my wildest dreams, saw this change of tune coming.



A few weeks ago all three of my boys finished their first summer of competitive swim team. To say it was a phenomenal season would be the understatement of the year. It wasn't phenomenal because my boys were the best. Refer to my earlier statement...athleticism isn't their greatest strength. What made it so incredible was the enjoyment they found in swimming. The went to every practice, every morning, without complaint. They tried their best each meet, and loved when they were able to see their times improve. They felt frustration, and tears were shed, but they were never so discouraged that they wanted to quit. The meets lasted 3+ hours, sometimes twice a week, and they were always excited to go and compete.  They made wonderful friends on the team that they cheered on, and cheered them on from the sidelines.
 It was glorious!
So I was really looking forward to the awards banquet when I learned that they were not going to bring home a participation trophy, but rather, a plaque with their name on it! Such a fun reminder of all of their hard work! A beautiful participation plaque.


At the awards banquet they were awarding the Most Valuable swimming awards to those that scored the most points for the team. It was exciting to see the joy and accomplishment written all over the kids faces that won. And then came the time to hand out the Most Improved awards.
Never in my wildest dreams...Nate won Most Improved for 6 and under. And then Zachary, our sweet, kindhearted, bright child was awarded the Most Improved Swimmer for the 9-10 age group. Let me repeat...NEVER IN MY WILDEST DREAMS did I foresee a child of mine earning a trophy for any athletic achievement. I am not trying to be cruel. I'm just being honest.


And as Zachary walked back to us after receiving his award, and our hearts were ready to burst with pride and joy, he says,

"I earned this!
This isn't a participation trophy!
I actually earned it!"

Out of the mouths of babes.  

In my hope for our children to have a trophy, no matter what kind it was, I had never considered that they may care about how the trophy came to be in their hands. I didn't think it would matter to them, as long as they had something. But that isn't the case. My 10 year old taught me that day that it DOES matter how the trophy becomes yours. I always thought that a trophy was a trophy. What Zachary taught me that day though was that true pride in your accomplishments comes from earning your reward. He saw the value of true hard work...and he loved it. He loves knowing that he worked so hard for something, and was acknowledged and rewarded for his hard work.

And so as a former die hard believer in the participation trophy, I recant my position. I firmly believe that our children want to be rewarded for a job well done, not for signing up to be a member of the team.

Still Learning about this Parenting Thing,

The Joyful and Tired Mom

Punching Fear in the Face

I have had writing something, anything, on my heart and mind for over a month now. That stirring inside that won't settle until I get something onto this daggoned blog! But as I have pondered what to write there are too many things I want to talk about: all of the crazy transitions our family has been going through over the last 4 months, the fears that have settled around my soul about how these transitions are impacting our sweet children, or how one of my sweet children isn't so sweet with me, and I fear this is an ugly glimpse into my future with him. Like...we always joke with my mom that when she gets older and wants to move in with us, we'll make room for her in our crawl space...or if it happened now, her crawlspace. And this is clearly a stupid joke we make, but Nate would say it and mean it with me. When I'm 99 he'll just hand me a broom stick that I can slam against the ceiling when I need a glass of water. 

I do believe my Nate blog is a blog for another day. I don't won't to weep on top of my computer keyboard today. 

But these transitions, whoa buddy.

 We knew this was going to be a season of change. And each step of the way, each difficult decision that Mark and I have made as a team has not been easy. 

We moved out of our home and out of our school district.

Moved into my parents' home.

Our boys are switching schools.

Mark switched jobs.

And I went back to work after not working out of the home in 10 1/2 years.

All in the last 4 months.

But with each step we take we know, that we know, that we know, we are stepping in the right direction for our family. And so each step of the way I have been speaking Jon Acuff's beautiful and poetic words of encouragement in my mind, "I am punching fear in the face." 

I am such a visual person. So each day I wake up I envision that Fear is this horrifyingly terrible and fierce monster that is after me, trying to hold me back, plant enough doubts in my mind to turn me around and go in the opposite direction of change. And when this ferocious beast comes after me, I visualize myself punching Fear in the face, smiling, shuffling around this ugly beast as he is laid out on the floor, and confidently moving forward toward change.

Because what Mark and I know, what we are living daily, and learning moment by moment, is that change and growth is hard. It's scary. You question decisions you make a million times each hour. But just because it is hard does not mean it is bad or wrong. It's just hard. And hard does not mean that there is an absence of God's blessing. We have experienced God's blessings and faithfulness and goodness in more ways than we can comprehend during this crazy season of change. God has been, and will continue to be, our constant, no matter where He leads us.
And as for waiting to see where He takes us...well, we are still waiting. And that's the hardest part. For a planner like me though, it isn't a bad thing. It is just a constant reminder of who we truly need to rely on to lead us.
As we wait though, it will be with gladness because of the joy we have experienced living with my parents. Although this is a season of immense change, it is a season that will be seared into the heart's and mind's of our beautiful children forever. In their minds, there is nothing greater in this world than being with Nanna and PopPop.

Waiting and Trusting,
The Joyful and Tired Mom

"This is my command-be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the LORD your God is with you wherever you go."
-Joshua 1:9

Not Quite Like Ron Burgundy

I like to believe and hope that anytime I write something on my blog it is uplifting, encouraging, and serves a greater purpose than me just piddling in my office at my computer, avoiding my responsibilities at home.  However, I have only been able to stomach pasta and girl scout cookies for the last 3 days, so I am not sure how carbo- loading is going to effect my writing. From what I can tell, this blog may be a rough one...the brain is pretty foggy at the moment.

Anyway, today Zachary had another opportunity to go on the news because of his accident several weeks ago. (For those that are just joining my blog, WELCOME! SO GLAD YOU ARE HERE! You can find out more about Zachary's accident here.) For those that have heard his story, offered prayers, encouragement, and support...here is just one more way we can celebrate how awesome God is; how He is allowing Zachary to once again walk away a hero, not a victim, and not ashamed.

 

 

This mornings interview was LIVE. Very different than the prerecorded interview we did a few weeks ago. Holy Moly, is it intimidating. The studio is silent during breaks in the show. Silent. I wasn't expecting that at all. I mean, my only experience with seeing behind the scenes of a television broadcast is from Anchorman. And I assure you that there were no anchors this morning doing vocal warm-ups such as:

 

"Unique New York."

or

"A Tarantula enjoys a fine chewing gum."

or

"The human torch is denied a bank loan."

or

"The arsonist has oddly shaped feet."

or

"Ho ho! Ho! Ho! Ho!"

 

It was such an interesting and exciting experience for me, Zachary, and Lisa.
Today's story was not focused on what happened to Zachary, but rather, the lessons he had been taking for the last 11 months that gave him the tools to save his life. Today's focus was on Goldfish Swim School; and Zachary and I could not be more proud to be associated with such an incredible business, staff, team, and vision. No words can adequately express our gratitude for Goldfish and their staff. They truly care for, and take care of, every student. They make lessons a joy for the kids from the moment they walk in the front door to the moment their lessons are finished for the week. The staff empowers each child to believe they can do their best, all while teaching them specific skills to stay safe in and around water, and become phenomenal and strong swimmers.

We are grateful for Steve and Lisa who bravely left their home to start a new life in Ohio and open a Goldfish Swim School here. Their courage to respond to the calling placed on their lives saved our son's life. A thank you, a million thank yous, will never be enough. But I hope that one day when they sit in church with us and watch Zachary get married, they can look back and see a beautiful ripple effect that their sacrifices created that will last for generations to come.

So thank you Steve and Lisa. Katherine. Charlie. And Ben.

Thank you to your parents that don't have you as close anymore.
And thank you to every member of the Goldfish team, from the phenomenal front desk team, to the teachers and supervisors on deck. What you do matters.

 

Another moment of redemption.

 

With a heart full of thanksgiving,

The Joyful and Tired Mom

 

P.S. Would it be inappropriate if I asked WSYX for one of the large lights they had on set? I really love how it made the color of my hair look!



From Trauma to Triumph

This has honestly been one of the craziest, most incredibly awesome, beautiful weeks our family has ever experienced.
As many o f you know Zachary fell through the ice on a pond in our neighborhood several weeks ago. We have spent the last several weeks grieving what happened, and what could have happened. Talking with counselors. Talking with each other about the accident. Acknowledging when things feel hard and scary. Crying together. Hugging each other. And walking this road to a place of healing.
On the night of the accident Zachary asked that I not share his story with anyone else. He was ashamed and terrified, and didn't want anyone to remind him of what had happened to him on that dreaded day.
Um, does he know how much this one request cramped his momma's style? I mean, has he never met me?! I am an external, share your whole life, be uncomfortably transparent with all of your successes and failures, kind of person. This is the kind of story that could HELP people! It could save lives! And he didn't want me to say a word. But I needed to process what had happened. So I did the next best thing-I wrote about what happened, sent it to my friend who was with me when the accident happened, and she anonymously started posting about it: warnings, thanksgivings, advice for kids and parents.
Then my dear friend at Goldfish Swim School (who I had contacted right after the accident to thank  for teaching my son the skills he needed to survive his accident) called because she had been thinking that to share Zachary's story could help to shape the way people view water safety, bring awareness to the dangers of retention ponds that surround us, and help people be safe and vigilant with winter water safety.
My counselor recommended that I just be honest with Zachary that I was sharing his story with others because that is part of the way I heal and process through things. When I told him, he was fine with it. His grandmother had told him his story would save lives, and he said he had never considered that. So we started sharing more openly his story. And by we, I mean me.
Then!!!! 3 weeks after the accident, Goldfish Swim School had their PR company pitch a story about what happened to Zachary, his tale of survival, and how he had gotten himself out of this horrific position he had found himself in that January day. Zachary was excited and wanted to do the interview!

The next day a local news station picked up his story and interviewed us a few days later.

Zachary, my incredibly courageous, bold, heroic, kind, generous, compassionate, wise, amazing 9 year old shared his story. He relived that day with the reporter, fears and all. It was incredible to watch God redeem something so traumatic in Zachary's life, and allow him to walk away triumphant. Brave. Mighty. Helping others.

Here is the link to his story.

9 Year Old Survives Fall into Frozen Pond

As is expected, so much of his interview was edited out because of time constraints. However, one sound bite I wish they had used was when the reporter asked what Zachary had been thinking when he was in the water. Zachary said, "I gotta get out of here, or I could die." It's so heartbreaking to hear your child say something like that; but that statement paints an incredibly vivid picture of the severity of his accident that day.
However, he didn't die. He is truly living a life, and on this day, he is glorifying God with his incredible story. God is with us!
One thing Mark and I want all of our children to learn as we walk this life together, when we look back on what happened to Zachary, is this:

Even when we are disobedient and do things we are not supposed to do (like disobeying parents and walking on a frozen pond), even when a horrible consequence results from our disobedience, God works all things for good for those who love Him. It's one of His many promises to us; one that we embrace daily. One we celebrate often; and one we know to be true for our son. God redeemed this trauma, and turned it to triumph.
To Him be the glory, forever and ever. Amen.
The Forever Grateful,
Joyful and Tired Mom



Our son. Our hero.

 

 

 

My heart feels like it may burst with pride and excitement. After Zachary's horrible accident, 10 tv picked up his story and wanted to interview him. We initially told them no because we thought Zachary wouldn't want to do it. We asked him if the tv station could use a picture of him to tell his story to help others, and his response was, "Sure." But as I was leaving his room he said, "You know, I'd really like to be a part of the interview." Say what!?

So today was the day that our brave 9 year old sat before the camera and a broadcaster and shared his amazing story. I'm not sure how they will edit it, so I won't say much just yet. However, I will say that I am thankful for Goldfish Swim School for providing an amazing opportunity for Zachary to help others, and take one step closer to healing.
Lisa and Steve, our family adores you, and we are so thankful to God that you brought your way of teaching to Columbus. You provided Zachary with the tools necessary to keep his head above water, and swim to safety. We are forever grateful.
And by God's grace, He is redeeming something so frightening in all of our lives, for good. He always works for the good of those who love Him. And we are thankful!

He Loves a Hot Mess Like Me

18 years ago, a relatively new friend tore a piece of paper into the shape of a cross, and shared this bible verse with me:

 

"Be still and know that I am God." -Psalm 46:10

It could be said of me that I had a flare for the dramatics back in the day. She could clearly see that I needed to settle my heart and mind, and pointed me in the direction of truth.
I held onto this cross for over a decade. Each time I pulled out my bible to read it, this little note would fall onto the floor. I would pick it up, read it, be reminded of this friend's love for me and my faith, and be reminded to just 'be still before God.'
But if I am honest...if we all are...how often are we truly "still" before God? How often do we wait for Him? How often do we just sit in His presence and do nothing? If you are like me, the answer is, "Almost never." Because for me, if I am busy, I think I am important. If I'm busy, it must mean that my life has value. If I am busy, it means everything I do has a purpose and is necessary. Or I am flat out so busy some days doing all that needs done, my head could spin.
But today, after over 24 solid hours of my heart feeling like it was going to beat out of my chest, and not being able to think my way into peacefulness, I came home to an empty house and KNEW I needed to spend time with Jesus. If He is the Rock I claim to stand upon, then in these moments of high stress and high anxiety, I need to stop making excuses to not go to my source, my foundation of peace. I needed Him, whose peace surpasses all understanding. Because I tell you what, we need peace. Like so many families we are juggling a lot right now. Life feels crazy, and nothing seems in our control. We have a lot of unknowns in our life right now, kids that all have very different needs, counseling sessions that need paid for, a child and family recovering from a trauma, job demands that need met, uncertainty of where we will move, a house going on the market and wanting and waiting for it to sell, etc., etc. I know so many of you feel me here!
So today I came home and wrote in my journal, read a chapter in Revelation of Christ's future glory (so cool), and then literally laid prostrate on the floor and was still before God. (P.S. It does not feel natural for me.) And immediately the scripture from the Psalms popped into my mind, "Be still and know that I am God. Be still and know that I am God. Be still and know that I am God." Over and over this verse kept repeating in my mind. And then in the stillness I could hear God's still, quiet voice, not audibly, but in my heart say to me, "Lindsey, I am in all the details. I am in all the details. I am in all the details about your house, about the buyer, about jobs. I am in all the details." And then I prayed, "God, it just seems like so much right now." To which He said to me, "You're right, it is a lot. Which is why you need to know that I am in all the details."
I know many will feel like I am silly or crazy for believing what I believe-and I am ok with that.  God has revealed himself to me in more ways than I ever imagined He would or could in the past. And I am so thankful He is revealing himself to me today even still.  While I don't hear from Him every day in the way I did today, I am thankful for this blessing. This reminder of truth I can cling to. I am thankful that He loves me enough to get involved in our messy life this side of heaven. I am thankful.

And he'll step into your "mess" too if you let Him.

 

He loves a Hot Mess like me,

The Joyful and Tired Mom

Walking through the Valley of a Trauma...a moment of healing and clarity

I can't tell you the number of times I have silently prayed God would heal my son's mind over the years. Make his brain act as though it "should". Take away the impulsivity. Take away those tendencies that make life harder than the average hard.
Before I continue, let me preface this with the truth. We love our son and all that he is. We think he is remarkable in more ways that we can count. However, over the years we have struggled with the reality of a son that has ADHD. Not in the way you typically picture a child with ADHD bouncing off the walls. But a child that is inattentive, wickedly smart, has had difficulty controlling the impulse to excessively eat, control the volume of his voice, stutter, obsessively pick the skin off of his fingers to meet a sensory impulse to pick, always trying to be the center of attention, and not being able to read a social cue or read a facial expression if it hit him in the face. On top of ADHD he has several autistic tendencies. We have spoken with numerous professionals and they all say the same thing, "Yes, he has lots of autistic tendencies, but getting an official medical diagnosis for him would be difficult because he never had a language delay, and he is empathetic toward others. But yes, he has a lot of those tendencies we see in children with autism." Brilliant problem solver. Brain is constantly racing with a million ideas. Married to the need for structure. Difficulty handling emotions. Sensory sensitive. Can't calm down if he gets angry or upset. Low muscle tone, stamina, and coordination(extra hard for boys since sports are what so many children are into at his age). It's been a challenging road. He is noticeably not like his peers, so as parents we witness the weird faces kids make when they look at him. Nothing slays me more than this. He needs extra help in many ways, but because he doesn't have an official diagnosis, he doesn't qualify for services. So Mark and I have poured a lot of our resources into helping him in ways he needs help. We have jokingly said that one day we will have to tell Zachary that we don't have a college fund set up for him, but we got him through 3rd grade. So yes, life can feel overwhelming and hard when you wonder how you are going to pay for the next speech therapy session, or counseling session. All the while your heart breaks because you want children to see your child for all the amazingness that he is: kind, generous, compassionate, filled with integrity. Pretty much, Zachary is going to make one woman the luckiest woman on earth because he is going to be the greatest husband in the world. The most faithful friend. And one heck of an employee, or employer for that matter. And although we can see who he is, and all of his strengths...my heart has broken a million and one times too because of how he has struggled.

But...back to my intent for this blog post. Zachary has had 2 appointments with a counselor since he fell through the ice and into a frigid pond. During his last appointment his counselor asked him what it felt like when he fell into the water. He said it was very cold. Then she asked him what happened next. He said he couldn't see one of his friends, but he could hear him sobbing. Then he said he tried to get out the way he came, but couldn't get onto the ice, or break the ice the way he came. She asked him how that made him feel when he realized he couldn't get back out that way. Thinking that he would talk about his fear at that moment, he instead said, "Once I couldn't get out the way I came, I realized I needed to turn around and start punching my way through the ice in the other direction, to swim out."
The counselor then looked at me and Mark and said, "Those autistic tendencies that you started seeing me for months ago were probably his saving grace that day. He was able to separate the emotional from the rational and solve the problem at hand. Most children would have just panicked."
Oh my gosh, the number of tears I have cried since this beautiful moment of clarity...Jesus knew...Jesus knew exactly how he made Zachary and who He made him to be...
What I had always blindly seen as his greatest weakness in his life, was actually, and is actually, his GREATEST strength.
I am so heartsick that Zachary has endured what he did that day on the pond. I am sad for this trauma. And I am overwhelmed with sadness for his fear. But during our healing, I am so thankful that God has allowed the blinders to come off of my eyes so I can clearly see how remarkable this young man is that he has blessed me with and allowed me the privilege to raise. I always knew he was remarkable, but now I see him in an entirely new and marvelous light as well. And that is a treasure, a gift, I never want to take for granted.
The FOREVER Grateful,
Joyful and Tired Mom

*Please do not hate me for being honest about parenting hardships. I want to make it abundantly clear that I have always loved my child, all of my children, with every beat of my heart for who they are. But there is pain in parenting because you walk around a (sometimes) cruel world with your heart on your sleeve each and every second, of each and every moment, of each and every day. And when you feel joy deeply as I do, you also feel pain deeply too. I hope I made that clear in this post.