Has anyone seen Ashton Kutcher?

Has anyone seen Ashton Kutcher anywhere? I know he has to be around here somewhere. With all the craziness that has ensued in our home in the last 48 hours I am seriously waiting for him to jump out of our basement with his nasty trucker's hat on and yell, "You've been punked!" No kidding, I am honestly searching my house for a hidden camera because it is insane to think that all of the stuff going on in our home has been real! I am crying out here, "Please! Someone! Tell Me This Is A Joke!"
What's been going on you ask? Well you know I am more than happy to share this with the world. My family is a circus and I love them and I love everyday. But this week has pushed me to the edge. Mark and I go to bed each night laughing hysterically about the daily happenings around here. We laugh because the only other option would be to cry.
I'll start with Sunday:
Drew is in the process of potty training and doing a phenomenal job! He is basically potty training himself and Mark and I could not be more proud or relieved. On Sunday morning both boys ended up in our bed to snuggle and watch a little show before we went downstairs to start the day. Well, Drew's overnight had been taken off because he hates feeling wet. He was laying next to me and informed me he needed to go to the potty. He's pretty self-sufficient so I thought I would let him walk into his restroom to go. He proceeded to go downstairs, use the restroom, then crawl back into bed eating a frozen corndog. A FROZEN CORNDOG! And he ate it. He ate the frozen corndog. And in the midst of eating it he looked at me, while lounging in our bed and said, "I hold penis." So he had a terrific morning with corndog in one hand, penis in the other. Should I have said to him, "This is the top buddy. It'll never get any better than this moment right here."
Then, while getting ready for church Zachary started to get so nasty. His attitude was awful and so we sent him to his room for a time out and to cool off. I was thinking it would end in 5 minutes. Apparently Mark and I did not get the memo that Zachary was going to challenge us every moment of the morning. He would calm down, come out of his room, then get nasty again. He spent 40 minutes SCREAMING in his room. It was awful. Mark was the one going up every few minutes to try and talk him down, but nothing worked. So we knew we had to stand firm as the parents or the entire day was going to be a bust with him. We missed church because he wouldn't settle down. It was terrible. Then, we went downstairs and put Nate in his jumperoo. Mark looked over at Nate only to discover an enormous pile of diarrhea under him on our carpet. It was awesome. (Can you hear the sarcasm through the screen?)
Now for Monday:
Oh Monday...I don't miss you.
Nate woke up with a fever of 101.1. But even with Nate being sick I decided that when he took a nap, I would actually take a shower, dry my hair, put on makeup, and even put on perfume! I wanted Mark to come home to a wife that wasn't able to style her hair using her own oil from unwashed hair. I tried, but it didn't matter. Zachary was fantastic yesterday. Truly, best day we've had in a while. I am so grateful for him and his behavior yesterday. It was God's mercy on me because He knew I couldn't handle anything else.) Then, there is Drew...bless his little
heart. He has had a terrible cough since Friday. Yesterday the coughing took a turn for the worse and he started throwing up...everywhere. I was literally wading through vomit all morning. I would think that I had cleaned all of it off of the floor; then I would stand up and step in a chunk of vomit. I know. I know. I am being far too graphic, so I apologize. But really, I want you to have the full perspective regarding our day yesterday. He wouldn't eat. He wouldn't play. And I felt terrible because he wanted held, but sometimes I was just unable to put Nate down to hold him. So he just followed me around the house whining. And since he was at my heels all day when Nate decided it was time to throw-up while I was holding him it took less than 3 seconds for Drew to walk through it. I AM NOT EXAGERATING!!! It was truly unreal. And then when Mark finally came home I handed Nate to him only to discover Nate had not only had diarrhea all over himself, but all over me as well. No lie.
Yesterday I was literally coughed on, thrown up on, and pooped on. Un-freakin'-believable!
So last night before bed I gave my teeth a thorough brushing. Mark came into the room and I know he thought to himself, "Well if she is taking that much time to brush her teeth then surely..." (sorry mom). I was like, "No! The only reason I am spending this much time brushing my teeth is because it is 10pm and it's the first time I've brushed them today!" His response while laughing, "What? You aren't in the mood?" Oh how I love my husband. (no sarcasm) I really do love him. Last night we laid in bed and laughed hysterically about our day...how long it was...and how we hoped for a better day today.
And it has been a better day. The only mishaps today have been Drew pooping on the floor like a dog and Cali chewing up a dirty diaper that someone-who will remain nameless (not me)-left on the bathroom floor last night.
Until next time...
With sense of humor still intact,
The Joyful and Tired Mom