To Play or Not to Play, That Was the Question

A few weeks ago I was sent an email about playing in an alumni lacrosse game to honor my former coach that has now been involved in lacrosse for 50 years. I was so excited about the possibilities of playing. I was excited about who I would see, about the laughter I knew would ensue, and about the different exercise my body would be getting for an evening. However, I was terrified to play. I haven't played or coached in 9 years. That is a long long long time in the world of lacrosse where quick feet, and an even quicker/sharper mind are a necessity.
I called my dad and asked his opnion on whether or not I should play. I called my wonderful friend Janine who was so confident in my need to play, and her desire for me to play, that she journaled about it in her prayer journal (I was unaware of this until after the game). I talked at length about it as I went through all of the reasons I shouldn't play (the best reason I could come up with is that any ounce of pride I had in me would surely be left on the field-no room for pride when you are embarrassingly terrible at something). And then with the encouragement of Mark, my dad, and Janine I decided to play. My main motivation-I wanted my kids to see mommy on the field playing. I realize that Zachary is the only one that may have a memory of this as he grows up, but it meant something to me to have them see me in action.
The day of the main event I was so nervous! I was talking to a friend and just rambling on and on about my fears and also about the humility it was taking for me to go out there and play against a bunch of high school girls that are, literally, half my age, and that have something to prove. Her response, "Yes, but don't you think that you'll have a better perspective and understanding of the game now that you are older. You may play better because of how you see the game now." She was right. I did feel like I had a better understanding of the game while in the midst of playing. But before the game I was telling Mark her words of encouragement and he laughed and just said, "Yeah, these 16 year olds are in shape and super fast, but don't worry, you have wisdom." Thanks Mark.
So with wisdom on my side it was time for me to get ready for the game. As alumni's, we were told to wear black. Not sure if this was to represent us being old and decrepid, but I digress. Anyway...I stood infront of my mirror trying on different black shirts to see which one was more flattering. Then tried on the different outfits with Spanx, or no Spanx. There I was, mentally preparing for a game, trying to decide if I should wear Spanx under my workout gear or not! I opted to not wear them for the simple fact that it was over 80 degrees and I didn't want to run once down the field and totally pass out because I was so freakin' hot from wearing pants and Spanx that suck in my body from the chest to my knees.
I did think that I looked decent enough to go and represent the "old ladies" of the lacrosse team. I finally decided on a plain black t-shirt that I had worn several days prior to the game, that had not been washed, and that had green beans baby food smudges all over the left shoulder. Awesome.
When I arrived I learned we were playing in the stadium and so as I was running into the stadium I tweaked my ankle. Not a good sign. It was so great to see some familiar faces. I was, however, the oldest girl by atleast 3 years. And the only one that had had children (which, by the way, I loved having there for the world to see. They make me so proud.) I was ready to play when my old coach looks at me and says, "I am not putting you in midfield, you are home with three kids." Seriously?! Just because I am a stay at home mom with 3 boys doesn't mean I am now a lazy woman who sits and eats bon-bons all day...that only occurs in my dreams! I finally did get to play and felt great doing it. But one of the high schoolers asked a few of us how old we were. When they girl next to me said she was 25 the girl says, "Wow. You're 10 years older than me." Ah! And for me I was like, "Yep. I'm 30 (twice your age)." It was as though they had never met anyone that old outside of their parents before.
It was a great game. We had a blast! We laughed a ton! And we, the alumni, won the game 10-6. Woot!
And when the game was finally over Zachary took to the track and ran 2 laps...a 1/2 a mile!!!! It was awesome! And Drew was even running the track until he was distracted by a fence. You know he was thinking, "Hmmm...I wonder if I can climb this?"
In all seriousness though...this game brought out a lot of insecurities in me. Insecurities that I know I have, but have been able to stuff far below the surface for a very long time. Choosing to play drew those insecurities out of me, and the ugly and petty fears I had are unjustified and make me too self-focused...which is not who I want to be. I drove to the game pumping myself up by saying, "These girls have no idea how terrified and full of fear you really are for this game. Just show up and put on a mask. You'll be fine, and they will never know the self-doubt you have in your ability to play this game, or the insecurity you have of not being in fighting form right now." But I realize, I don't want to have to say those things to myself to do something fun and outrageous. I want to live confidantly in who God has made me. Live proudly because although I may not be in top lacrosse playing shape I can marvel at the fact that I have had 3 beautiful, healthy, wonderful children in less than 4 1/2 years. And be grateful that when I choose to put myself out there, whatever it is, I have my incredible husband, children, family, and friends that support me, not because I am the best, but because they love me.
Incredibly Thankful to Still Play,
The Joyful and Tired Mom